Episode Summary

Jenna explores the complicated feelings of attachment and how to deal with them when they arise.

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Show Notes

Attachment, fear, and trust: what do these words have in common? They are all chain reaction feelings that we experience when we’re too attached to our business.

Attachment is the desire to control the future. Fear is the result of avoiding a perceived negative outcome. Trust is what we lose when we become fearful.

In this episode, I share my holistic approach to remaining unattached when it comes to your business and goals. I teach you how to reframe your mindset in a way that allows for more hope and less fear. By looking at the bigger picture and understanding the micro-steps that you can take along the way, you will gain a sense of gratification and control. Tune in to gain the clarity you need to stay on the right track for your business.

What You’ll Learn From This Episode:

• How to remain unattached in your business.

• Tactile practices for when you’re experiencing the immediate feelings of attachment.

• How being fearful creates a lack of trust.

• How to question your desires and the way desire has been taught to us through the media.

• Why looking to outside sources will never satisfy your needs.

Listen to the Full Episode:

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Full Episode Transcript:

It's not that you want to feel so attached to those numbers, or to what that person says or does, or to anything else really in your business, but you do. You know it's not just getting in the way, but it's making your experience of the business that much more unpleasant, so it's like a double whammy. Well, stick around, because I have been there and I want to help you create a new experience and different results starting today.

You're listening to The Uncommon Way Business and Life Coaching Podcast, the only podcast that helps you unlock your next level in business and life by prioritizing your clarity and your own Uncommon Way. You will learn to maximize your mindset, mission, messaging, and strategy in order to create a true legacy. Here's your host, top-ranked business coach and reformed over-analyzer turned queen of clarity, Jenna Harrison.

Hey, everyone, welcome back. Today, we're going to talk about remaining unattached in your business. And in true Uncommon Way fashion we’ll take a holistic approach with the big picture mindset and energetics; I'll call that the macro side. But also, the down and dirty tactical how-tos; the micro side.

This episode was inspired by a conversation I had with one of my clients recently. She had been marketing to her audience with some great content and no one had booked a sales call. She was feeling angry and bitter. So, I want to thank her for bringing it up, and inspiring this great topic that we all feel from time to time.

I also thank her and my other clients, because without them we wouldn't have this podcast, which lets even more women hear about what we're doing at The Uncommon Way, and then begin stepping into their own Uncommon Way.

One thing my clients have in common is that they care a lot about joining together and helping others. That's why they're attracted to being part of a strong sisterhood like this one. I know they love thinking of their money going out into the broader world and helping people that they may never even meet.

And of course, supporting an amazing production crew with very aligned values. I want to highlight them, and make sure that all of us are all feeling the love for them.

So, speaking of this broader world, we just got back from celebrating my husband's birthday in the Turks and Caicos. I have to tell you, there was this boat driver, who was just this kind of person that's on his way to becoming a true sage.

He was in his early 20s, but he had a very uncommon way of thinking. He didn't believe in being on social media. Not that that's the only way to live, but I thought it was a very unusual choice for somebody in their early 20s. He’d tried all different jobs, and he says he loves to learn something to mastery, and then move on and keep growing and keep learning.

He was telling me about all the different jobs he's worked in. He just really had that desire for personal growth and experience, and finding his own way. He was just dropping all of these little nuggets that you just really wanted to soak up.

It was funny, because this other boat driver, when we first approached the marina, had said that he was our driver. But it turns out there had been some sort of mix up and he actually had a different set of clients. We kept passing that boat, and they just had a totally different vibe.

I love that I just seem to draw my people into my orbit, right? How would I have even imagined that I would go there and then spend all the time on the boat talking to this boat driver about life, the life of the mind, and finding your way.

But most of all, what I love, is that it's just beautiful to see how many people around the world, from all walks of life, are following their own path and being brave enough to walk their path. When I did that myself after college, almost 30 years ago, it was so uncommon. But now, less and less.

Anyway, we are home now after a busy but amazing October. First we had the retreat, and then my husband's birthday trip, and I'm just really looking forward to staying home and bundling up under some blankets and having a cozy November. So, I hope that you all are also very happy with where you're at.

Alright, let's talk attachment, shall we? Specifically, attachment in marketing, sales and results. So, that might look like you finding it hard not to feel bitter towards your audience when not even one person books a call after those amazing emails you just wrote, those amazing posts you just wrote. I mean, come on.

Or it might look like a convincing type of energy coming through when you're on a sales call, or tons of obsession after the sales call regarding whether or not they're going to sign. Maybe you find yourself getting distracted when someone's talking to you. Maybe your partner is talking to you, and you're like huh? And you realize you've been obsessing about what choice this person is going to make.

Or maybe it shows up as lots of disappointment and self-criticism when your business has a downswing. Or maybe the numbers haven't really fallen, but you don't have any sales calls on the books. And so, I mean, this is probably the beginning of the end.

Now, tell me none of those things sound familiar? I know that I've probably felt all of them. What do they have in common? There are a few different things, but what we're going to focus on today, is how they all show a strong attachment to specific outcomes.

That is generally unhelpful for your business, so we'd like to lessen that beginning today. But let's acknowledge that this is tricky stuff. Yes, we're going to try to conceptualize it in the space of a podcast episode, but there's a lot going on here.

I mean, on the one hand, business is inherently tied to external markers. A business needs sales. It needs money flowing in. Those are tangible things that you can see and you can measure. Now we're saying, don't get attached to that though. It's like, jeez, do you want me to pat my head or rub my stomach? What's going on?

You need intention, right? You need some direction, some desire to move forward towards the direction that you want to go. So, how am I supposed to desire but not desire too much? If this is something you've been noodling on, I believe a lot of the confusion comes from how we're taught to think about desire and how it's often portrayed.

We listen to so much of the music, so many movies, and we’re shown that when you desire, for instance when you desire a person, you desire them so deeply that you go out of your way to sweep them off their feet, because they must be yours. So, of course, desire and attachment have become entwined in our minds.

Desire might even feel dangerous. Like, watch out, that's where all the trouble starts. When I desire something too much, that's when I get disappointed. As women, we are socialized to keep our desires in check. Women's desires are wrong and dangerous, and shouldn't be felt.

So, if the concept of desire, or the feeling of desire, is problematic, it might be helpful for you to substitute the word “interest” in your mind, or the feeling you have when you're interested in something.

Maybe think about someplace you've always wanted to travel to. It's not really consuming your every thought or anything, but you definitely know you're going there someday. Maybe you're even saving up for it already, and there's some excitement, but it's not such a dopamine suck that it makes your everyday life seem annoying and unsatisfactory in comparison to what you're dreaming about. Okay, you got it? You got that feeling? Great.

So, let's talk about how to create more of that energy in your business, and to release some of the darker aspects. It all starts with clarity. Yeah, with clarity. Because on the macro, big-picture side, attachment is about wanting to control an outcome.

Why do we control? Think about it for yourself. The last time you were trying to exert control over a situation, what might have happened if you didn't step in? I'm going to give you a second to think about that. All right, in some it may be less than an optimal thing, right? You might be even feeling worry or fear just thinking about it. That, at its core, is why we attempt to control fear. So, we're fearful.

We definitely don't want that perceived negative thing that we're imagining, so we become very attached to the perceived positive outcome, and we try to do everything we can to move closer to that positive and to distance ourselves from the negative. Notice the one thing we lack when we're fearful, it's trust. Trust, y'all.

This all comes down to trust. We have to get clear on the fact that we are not trusting something when we're in that state. We're not trusting ourselves, our abilities, or our audience. And at the heart of everything, we're not trusting that the universe is generally supporting us. Without trust, you're like an animal ready to bare its teeth, always watching, always on the lookout. So, you want to get clear on: What is it that I'm not trusting?

Maybe I'm afraid that if I don't sign this client, I won't get any more. It'll be a long time until I get the chance to try again. Put another way, I don't trust that more clients come to me. Ask yourself why. Is it about not trusting your magnetism? Or is it not trusting your audience? Is it not trusting your abilities? Where are you lacking trust? And then, what are you going to do about it? How are you going to move forward from that point of clarity?

Now, completely moving into trust, and of course, unraveling the things that keep you from trusting, is beyond the scope of this episode. We would need to talk in person. But even though it can be a little more complicated, it's essentially like any other belief building, in that it is possible.

I am definitely living proof of this. I have gone from really thinking that the universe was often out to get me. That life really is a vale of tears. It was definitely more painful than pleasurable. That my audience was out to use me, and my clients were here to underappreciate me. I couldn't trust myself because I always let myself down. All of the things. All of this, while being a high performer. No one would know this from the outside.

Now, I'm at a point where almost always, not 100%, but almost always, when something “negative” happens… quote, unquote, negative of course… I deeply believe it's happening for me. That I am being nudged very purposefully towards some next iteration of my life or business or motherhood, or what have you.

If you’d would like to learn more about this kind of reinvention, and/or you would like support as you move through this work, because you're just too close to the issue, then come join us in the Clarity Accelerator. Because this is the most important thing you'll ever learn when it comes to creating change in your life. It's just one of the many important things that we learn and practice.

Okay, moving into some tactical things, I'm going to give you three powerful tips. Actually, I guess four, because just learning to frame that question, in terms of ‘what is it that I'm not trusting when I'm afraid?’ that, in and of itself, can just be a game changer for you.

But these things are going to help when you're in the immediate experience of attachment, when you're noticing it for yourself, and also, when you're forward planning about how to not be in attachment. That sales call comes in, it's happening in a week, you can feel yourself becoming more and more attached, and you know that you want to redirect before you actually get on the phone with a person.

So, the first tip that I gave my client, and inspired this episode, is to really take a long-term view. Then, think about reverse engineering the steps that will get you where you want to go.

When we think about the long term, especially in the work we do here at The Uncommon Way, the reason why we're even doing all this is about the expression of who we are and our work in the world. That is such an important key to getting out of the weeds and really keeping our eyes on the prize.

But regardless, if your jam at this point is about self-actualization, or right now you are working on something like security, and you just want to build this business out for your security or your family's security… I say “just,” but I don't mean “just,” of course, these are all very important human needs... you still have the ability to reverse engineer towards your goal.

Here's what I mean. When you're bringing on a client, there are so many micro skills along the way that you're going to build, and there are also so many growth moments that you are going to pass through. Most of us enter this game with a fair amount of impostor syndrome, with a lot of thoughts about salesmanship and what that means ‘to be selling,’ and charging money for our services.

Specifically, things that feel good to us, that feel easy. Because we've been told that you need to work hard and basically need to suffer your entire life so that then you can retire and die having lived a good and virtuous, hardworking life.

Now, there's nothing wrong with hard work, again, but we don't want to hold it up as the pinnacle of a life well-lived. It's just another possible avenue for reaching your dreams. And so, as you're thinking about all of these growth moments for you, all of this stretching, all of these micro stretches, all of these micro skills you'll be building... And I'll give you an example in a minute…

As you're thinking about all of those, you get to have little mini dopamine hits whenever you accomplish the next one. You know it's on the way. You know you're going to do it. Then, when you do it, you get to feel really proud of yourself and really excited, and that gives you a nice little dopamine hit.

You know what else happens? You can very easily enter into a state of gratitude, because often there's a person on the other side, a human on the other side, without whom that stretch wouldn't have been possible. But the really big thing this does for you, and maybe you've guessed already, is it helps you release attachment.

Because the goal of this specific conversation, or maybe email interchange, or you're in the DMs with somebody, whatever interaction you're having, you're not necessarily thinking five steps ahead to when that person becomes a client, you're focused on your next step.

Which for you, at that point, might just be saying your price out loud, or asking if they'd like to hop on a call to talk about working together, or getting through a sales conversation, or trying out some new way of explaining something. That's usually where my brain used to go. How can I try explaining this differently, and see what kind of response I get?

Now, further on in a business, your growth edge might look different. It may not even be having a direct sales call with somebody, it may be having a launch, it may be raising prices, or calling out to a different type of client. But no matter what it is, you can break it down into its smallest common denominator parts.

Know that if you just do that, you have won. You've won, and you get to be really excited and really grateful and happy, and clean whenever you go into a call or a conversation with somebody. You have to be really grateful for them being there. You have to be very unattached to the outcome, because the goal, really was just this thing. And you get to have just a much easier experience whatever stage you're at, whatever you're working towards.

I probably don't have to tell you that when you are in that energy, your learning timeline does tend to collapse. It makes people feel much safer to say yes to getting on that call with you, because they can feel that either way, you're good. So, again, I would call this one taking the long-term view, then reverse engineering your growth edges and concentrating on those.

So, if you want more information about growth edges and what they might look for you, we have a podcast called “Setting Uncommon goals and Taking Uncommon Actions” that I recommend for you.

The second tip, is to think through, “What do I really want right now? I'm attached to something. What is that, that I really want? I'm not in full trust that it'll happen, but I really want this thing. What am I yearning for here?” Or another way you could ask it is, what does the child in me want?

Then recognize that getting that is your job. Meaning, nobody but you can give it to you. It's not your business's job, or your audience's job, or any other human’s job. You're a powerful being, perfectly capable of imaginative ways to satisfy your needs and desires.

I remember back when I was dating, whenever I would get my heart broken... sounds like it was frequent. But there are ups and downs in the dating game. Right? And so, whenever I would feel that hit, I could recognize that what I wanted, really was to feel cherished and desired, loved.

And so, I started finding ways to do that for myself. Sometimes they were just token little things. Like, I'd go out and I'd buy myself really expensive lipstick. I was a broke working girl living paycheck to paycheck, so my splurges, they were modest. But spending that much on lipstick was something I never treated myself to, until a breakup.

I'd go buy lipstick and I'd let myself do whatever I wanted to do, as if I were my favorite person on the planet. I would treat myself to a lazy morning in bed, or whatever floated my boat. I used to live in Miami Beach, and so I would go get Cuban coffee and a little pastry, and I would have breakfast on the beach. That was another thing, the big splurge. It got to be that my friends would see me in a new shade of lipstick, and they'd be like, “Oh, no. Did you and so-and-so break up?”

But the point is, that whenever we wait for something outside of us to make things better, then we are abdicating all of our power. That is when we can get into victim mode, which is that energy of helplessness. “I am only satisfied or joyful if this thing outside of me makes me so. It's not happening, so I can't do anything about my incompleteness.”

No, no, no, no, no. No one on my watch is going to get into that no-win situation. I just recently was speaking to somebody on a discovery call, and it was a man actually; it's unusual to have men reach out to me. But he was saying that he had had situations in the past that made him feel a bit hesitant about investing in the business.

I was sharing this philosophy with him, that you really need to decide beforehand what you are working on internally, first and foremost, when you're going to make an investment or hire a coach. And you definitely want to set goals for the things you want to accomplish. We love goals in the collective, and we set them at least every three months.

But you don't want to make the fact that you didn't reach a goal, of something that you don't know how to create yet, you don't know how to do it yet, you don't want to let that be the barometer of whether or not that investment was successful.

Since you've never done it, you're not sure how long it's going to take. You're going to try, and then, from that you're going to learn a ton about how to get there. Then you'll try again, and then you'll finally get there. But in the meantime, what you do know for sure is that you can be, for instance, learning a skill.

So see, it's like skill versus result, or internal development versus result. You want to focus on what you can control. Just you growing, just you working on whatever growth edge is motivating you to seek support, is how you need to measure your success.

So, for instance, if I join a Facebook ads program of some sort, I'm not going to measure the success of that program immediately on the number of clients I bring in through ads, because I am unskilled running ads. Actually, I'm not, but this is just the example. So, what I'm going to think about, is that this was the time in my life when I was building my skills around ads.

Do you see the difference? It is subtle, but so powerful. It will create a beautiful unattachment in your investments and your coaching. But the same applies for any kind of result that you are hoping for in your business. Again, the beauty is that the results follow, right? They end up aligning with that internal growth, because you're now able to think thoughts and take actions and show up in new ways that you weren't before.

You're becoming that person who gets those results. That is the byproduct of everything you've stepped into. Nothing is wasted if you are clean and intentional about your decisions in this way.

And lastly, is to take a somatic approach. We've been talking about the mind a lot here, but let's go into the body as well. Imagine feeling the things that you want to feel, and practice feeling that more often during your day. For those of you who are thinking, “Feelings-schmeelings,” stay with me here. This is Neuroscience 101. Neurons that wire together, fire together.

It's your repeated experience of stress that is making this so stressful. If you're feeling stressed with sales calls, if you're feeling stressed with launches, if you're feeling stressed with anything in your business, chances are there's also something in your past, and you're getting triggered.

It's reminding your brain of a situation in the past that it didn't like. You can begin to rewrite that by starting to change the kinds of feelings you're having in certain situations. But the beauty is in even just thinking about those situations.

You want to practice it in a safe way, in a safe space, so that those neurons have a chance to fire rather than the other ones that are creating such blockages for you. If you're saying, “Jenna, I don't know how, when I think about this stressful thing, I could ever get myself to feel easeful and relaxed.”

Then, I would say think about a time in your life when you have felt that way. Feel that in your body. How is that showing up for you? What do your shoulders do? What is your breath doing? Are you feeling sensations in your stomach? What is the lived experience of that feeling in your body?

Then bring in the thought of what has been challenging you, and start letting those different neurons kind of meet each other. The part of your brain that's firing with this image or visualization, of this thing you're imagining in the future, together with the body experience and the chemical slush that's moving through your bloodstream when you're thinking about the past event that felt so good. Is that clear? I hope so.

All right. Any questions, hit me up. That is it for today. It's a big one. I recommend listening to this episode twice.

Remember, you know who you are down deep, and each day you are stepping further into what you're here to create.

Hey, if you want true clarity about your secret sauce, your people, your best way of doing business, and how you talk about your offer, then I invite you to join us in the Clarity Accelerator. I'll teach you to connect all the dots, the dots that have always been there for you, so that you can show up like you were born for exactly this.

Come join us and supercharge every other tool or tactic you'll ever learn, from Facebook ads to manifestation. Just go to TheUncommonWay.com/schedule and set up a time to talk. I can't wait to be your coach.

Thanks for joining us here at The Uncommon Way. If you want more tips and resources for developing clarity in your business and life, including the Clarity First strategy for growing and scaling your business, visit TheUncommonWay.com. See you next time.

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