Ep #10: 4 Types of Thinking That Keep You Playing Small

Written By Support at The Uncommon Way

Join me this week as I share 4 types of thinking that will cloud your decisions and keep you playing small. Learn how these 4 types of thinking can show up and what you can do about them, and how to start making empowered decisions from a clean place. 

When we are evaluating where we are and thinking about where we want to go in the future, there are two places that our brains tend to go: where I am is not acceptable and I need to make a change, or maybe where I am is fine and it’s good enough. Today, I’m speaking to the latter.


There are so many negative stories we hear about what happens when you don’t leave good enough alone. But there are also many stories of regret from not stretching ourselves and going after something we want. That’s why we have to question our thoughts and beliefs and start taking action from an empowered place, and this week I’m showing you how to get started.

If you know you have a ceiling holding you back, but don’t know what it is or how to bust through it, I can help you, my friend. You don’t have to stay in the land of “what ifs” any longer. I am opening up a spot for a 1:1 private client and I would love for us to get to know each other. If you are ready to follow the nudge, click here to schedule a call with me, I can’t wait to talk to you.

What You’ll Learn From This Episode:

  • Why having a pros and cons list isn’t always helpful in your decision-making and can stifle your creativity.

  • How false dichotomies can keep you stuck and indecisive.

  • What happens when you catch yourself in black and white thinking.

  • A simple question you can ask yourself if you find yourself in victim thinking.

  • Where imposter syndrome comes from.

  • Some tips to help you make empowered decisions.

  • Why you can be grateful for what you have in life AND be excited for more.

 

Listen to the Full Episode:

 

Featured on the Show:

 

Full Episode Transcript:

There are two places our brains tend to go when you evaluate where you are, or you're thinking about the future. Number one, where I am is not acceptable. I don't like this; I need something better. And then, there's also, where I am is so good. Why don't I stay with good enough. And today, I'm speaking to the second one. If you're not there now, you likely will be at some point.

I'll be outlining four types of thinking to look out for, because they will cloud your decisions and keep you playing small. Not because I want you to choose any specific course of action, I cannot know what's best for you, but so that you can make the decision from a clean place. Rather than through a filter that might not be serving you. And therefore, you can move more powerfully from a more grounded place whatever your course of action.

I'll show you how these four common types of thinking show up and what to do about them.

You're listening to The Uncommon Way Business and Life Coaching Podcast, the only podcast that helps you unlock your next level in business and life, by prioritizing your clarity and your own Uncommon Way. You will learn to maximize your mindset, mission, messaging, and strategy in order to create a true legacy. Here's your host, top ranked business coach and reformed overanalyzer turned queen of clarity, Jenna Harrison.

Hey, welcome back to The Uncommon Way. when you hear this, on the day that this is dropping, I'll be on a plane to Italy. So, we made a commitment a few years ago, that we would spend a month every year somewhere in the Mediterranean with our son, Dylan.

Traveling is a very important value for us. We really want him to grow up never even remembering when he started to travel, and always being very comfortable in different cultures and used to seeing different perspectives and points of view.

So, we made this decision, and then we did spend one month in Greece, several years ago, a couple years ago, I guess. And then, COVID. So, we are now resuming operations, and it's very, very exciting. The Mediterranean is definitely my happy place.

But it's a little difficult, too. I mean, it's a logistic endeavor to move the family over there. And like, as a matter of fact, at the time of this recording, we still don't have a dog sitter for our puppy, Sky. So, there are a few things that still need to fall into place, lots of packing that needs to happen, all the things. And I admit, there's that little voice in my head that says; aren't we good? You know, September's nice here in Pennsylvania.

I just love the fact that my life seems to tie in so perfectly for the topic each week, that I had planned. So, we're going to kind of be dissecting the things that lead to that type of thinking. That lead to the ‘Is this good enough? Aren't we good?’ type of thinking, just so that we can move forward from a clean place.

Because sometimes you do decide to stay exactly where you are, or to repeat what you've done, or whatever it will be, but you do it from this powerful place, when you have really analyzed the question from a few different viewpoints.

And by the way, if you're not following me on Instagram, do that right now. Open up your app; I'm @theuncommonway. And not only will I be posting behind the scenes, Italy pics, which will be fun, but I'm putting out little 60 second value bombs that are completely independent from what I'm doing here at the podcast. I’m doing that daily, so you don't want to miss it. And honestly, I’d just like to get to know you, that would be so fun. So please, do say “Hi.”

And now, I would love to give a listener shout out. So, this one is Northyo. The title’s so enigmatic; she wrote or he wrote, “When the Universe sends me…” and then I don't know what it is; sends me things, sends me this. Super curious, but Apple’s® not showing me the full title.

But what Northyo wrote is, “She is so clear and totally knows her audience…aka me. Her episodes are so approachable and concise as to my problem AND the solution which are so doable. These episodes are exactly what I needed. Thank you!”

Thank you, so much. That is absolutely what I want is for this to be very, very doable. And you to be able to take the action, gain the clarity, and move forward with the amazing things you're meant to do in the world. If you haven't left a review yet, totally get it. We're all busy. Maybe you had kids that are just now going back to school. But I would so appreciate if you could find the time to do that. Even as you're listening to this episode.

You just look for the show, The Uncommon Way, and then scroll down to the reviews and the ratings. I'd love to know what you think, what you liked, what you'd like more of, what you have questions about. So, that we can really form this podcast into what we want it to be, together.

Okay, let's get down to business. So, the first type of thinking is black-and-white thinking. I had a client that came to me with a very successful seven figure e-comm business, and she was thinking about shutting it all down. Which is not unusual for my people, right?

A lot of us, not necessarily her, but a lot of people, you know, move forward and build something out of hustle. They think they just, you know, find an opportunity in the market, and they really just want more freedom, they want to leave corporate, all the things.

And then they get there, and they realize that they have this question inside of them about; is this really what I want to be doing? Right? Or, maybe that was what I wanted to be doing, but now I'm being called to something else. So, she had so many pros and cons for each course of action, that really got impossible to compare. And that, is when you reach gridlock.

So, if you haven't yet, go back and listen to the episode called The Decision Tree, it talks about how we're taught to make decisions, in this pro and cons kind of way, compare and contrast kind of way. And, it really can just stifle our creativity.

Because what if it's not either/or? What if it's yes, and? Or there's some shades of grey in between? There might be something in between, you shut down the one and launch the other, or you do nothing. Maybe there's something in between all of that. Maybe there was a way for her to incorporate what she was being called to do, into the company she already had.

I remember this type of thinking myself, when I was a yo-yoing with whether or not to leave corporate. My thinking was either I'm grateful with where I am, and I don't want anything more out of life. Or, I'm ungrateful, and I want change. But no, right? That type of thinking was blocking me from seeing that you can be grateful and be excited for more.

This shows up with coaches in the Clarity Collective who feel conflicted with; either I have to run my business this way. Or, this other way. These kinds of false dichotomies, keep you stuck and indecisive. Or, they feed your confirmation bias, where you become more and more entrenched that your way of being is the right way.

So, we really go at this head-on in the Clarity Collective, because we are creating your uncommon way of doing business. You don't want to be all one way or another. You want to stay in that curiosity and playfulness. And you want to do, you. So, what happens when you catch yourself in this black-and-white thinking?

I'm going to use an analogy from my yoga teacher days. In the same way that you develop flexibility in your body, you want to develop flexibility in your brain. So, for that you need to stretch in the opposite direction than what you've been doing, to build a muscle.

So, if a runner came to my class, and they had been really pumping with their legs, then we would want to stretch the hamstrings in an opposite direction. Instead of contracting, were expanding and stretching. And we can do that with our brain, as well. If you've been thinking in one way, practice stretching it, just for the fun, of it in the other direction. Don't let it stop where it wants to stop.

Keep questioning; what if? Is that true? How is the opposite true? All right, that was black-and-white thinking, let's move on to future perfect thinking. This is where you think that if you just continue what you're doing, everything will be great.

So, this is where you get all of that worry about; I'm afraid of messing things up. Right? Things are really pretty amazing, why would I disrupt this? When is it ever going to be good enough? Is this some kind of self-sabotage, that I'm even considering this?

I've seen this show up for my clients as; I don't want to break anything in my business. I'm not going to change anything. They forget that they create the results. And instead, they're outsourcing those results to a process or to a platform. And so, in their mind, if they continue with that process or that platform, they have this clear, perfect vision of the future. That's why we call it future perfect thinking.

So, the brain is believing it will stay safe and insulated, and can safeguard happiness if it just continues with where it is. Now, brains have evolved with a bias towards this; let's stay right here in this cave and everything will be fine. But we know there are no guarantees.

A bunch of poisonous scorpions could push their way through the little crevices in your cave, right? Or, your account on that platform get shut down. The truth is, it's just as possible that things can go south if you don't do anything differently than if you do. We don't want to make decisions based solely on a future we can't predict. You also need to think about what you want and what is right for you. What makes sense at this point in your life, this juncture in your life.

Now, I have suffered from all sorts of variations of this kind of thinking. Like I mentioned, feeling guilty about wanting to leave corporate. Or, fear that if things got too good, the other shoe was going to drop. I have this vivid memory of driving Dylan home, he was in the car seat in the back, I think he was about two, maybe one.

We would pass by a Ronald McDonald House™, and at the time, in my head, I was working on some sort of like, visioning or goal setting and I was really thinking into my future. And you know, on the drive home, I was imagining, you know, what was coming around the corner.

We were at the stoplight, and this family was crossing the street in front of us, and their son was paraplegic. And I heard my brain, in that second, go, “Jenna, don't ask for too much.” Right? The thinking was, that I was somehow going to jinx the perfect, easy life, and that something really bad could happen if I push too far.

And I've heard this from many other women, as well. There's this fear, right, this upper limit, if things get too good, something else is going to crumble. And even recently, even though I work with people on the same thoughts every day, it came up for me.

I have, for a long time, I think my whole life, dreamed of adopting a little girl. But I have a lot of fear around it, too. Right now, the three of us have a really nice life. How will the dynamic change if I bring another child in? What if my relationship with Dylan is negatively affected? What if this child ends up having special needs, that greatly disrupt and challenge our lives?

My thinking at the time, was I can't apply the type of tools that I use with my clients for this particular situation, because it's just too big and important; lives are at stake. Right? I could ruin my husband's life, ruin my son's life, if I choose, I don't know, impetuously.

So, you can hear, kind of, the judgment involved in this, as well, the self-judgment. But luckily, my friend and an excellent coach, Laura Swartzbaugh, was pure coaching me on this. And she helped me see that really, there were no guarantees about this perfect future, if I didn't adopt the little girl. And there were of course, no guarantees about what will happen if I do.

Basically, there are no guarantees. And my brain could spin into all sorts of possibilities, negative or positive. But I can't know what'll happen. And so obviously, I need to lean into the decision that I want. Knowing that I'll figure it out, as I always have.

And by the way, adoption is not a simple process anymore. So, if anybody listening has any type of connection, or even advice for me, or knows of a mother that does want to adopt out their child, I'd be grateful if you would contact me. Because this is happening, one way or another.

So, this type of thinking is very pervasive. There are so many stories, you watch any Hollywood movie, or read any fairy tale, so many stories about what happens when you don't leave good enough alone, right? When you strive for more.

But there are also so many stories about regrets from not stretching, right? My favorite work of modern fiction, touching on this topic, is the animated Disney® film, Frozen II. It's the one where the song, Into the Unknown, comes from. Elsa keeps hearing this phantom call, and in this song she's basically like; I don't hear you; I don't hear you. I'm afraid of what will happen if I follow you into the unknown. Those are her exact words.

If you haven't seen the movie, that's your homework assignment. I was joking with a friend of mine, “Well, no need for me to coach anymore. I can just tell my clients go watch this movie.” It's amazing, huge props to Jennifer Lee, who's behind these Disney films. I mean, what she's done for little girls and boys around the world with the storytelling, is really amazing.

Especially compared to all the Disney damsels in distress that I grew up with; the sleeping beauties and Rapunzels. I mean, these are complex themes, right? When is it good enough? How do I know if I should listen to that call? This is the work that all of us are doing, you and me.

Anyway, what do you do when you find yourself in this thinking? My advice is to at least get yourself to 50/50. Imagine both, a positive and negative outcome, for doing nothing. And, a positive and negative for the change. Have this kind of conversation with your brain to bring some emotional neutrality. And then, an extra pro tip, is to just really like your reasons.

So, one of the exercises that I recommend is: Imagine that you are talking to your granddaughter, years from now, about this point in your life. How are you telling the story of the decision you made? How do you feel about that decision? What were your reasons that really made you be able to tell this story with pride, as you're sitting with her?

All right, we've talked about black-and-white thinking, we talked about future perfect thinking. Now, let's go into self-limiting thinking. Which is I'm not going to go after that thing, because it wouldn't work anyway. This is where impostor syndrome comes from.

Or, too many other people are doing it. People wouldn't want to learn about it from me. I'm not ready yet, right? I'm not ready to start a podcast, yet. I don't want to reach out to that influencer. Nobody would pay me that much. We are all familiar with these, we all have these thoughts. on the daily.

And so, what we do when we don't take action, because of this kind of thinking, is that we fail in advance. Rather than actually trying and feel the shame of failing, we just don't take action. And we actually get the same result.

I remember my dad once, was mentoring a young man. My dad was a former Navy pilot. And this young man also wanted to go into the military, but he really was riddled with this kind of self-limiting thinking. About how, you know, why even bother? It was going to be such a hassle to apply. Probably wasn't going to get in anyway.

And my dad just said to him, “Well, if you don't make it in, then you'll just be exactly where you are right now. So, you have nothing to lose, you might as well do it.” And that young man has been happily serving for many years, as an Air Force pilot.

Sometimes we just need to get out of our way, and give the thing a try. So, the solution you're working yourself into, the action taking, is to gather contrary evidence. If you haven't listened to last week's Episode #8, How to Surpass What Your Brain Thinks Is Possible, go back and I give more detail on this.

But the truth is, you don't really need evidence, you just need belief. If you think about the famous story of Roger Bannister running the four-minute mile, nobody had done it before him. And he had no proof therefore, that anyone could do it. He wasn't gathering evidence of people doing this thing. But he just believed he could do it. And, he believed it enough until he made it a reality. And then, so many other people did it too.

So, this is of course, why we have coaches, why we have unbiased people that can help us question everything. This is why in the Clarity Accelerator, we start each module with a mindset topic, specifically addressing what we'll be doing in that module, so that we don't get stuck in these traps. And it's why every week, we are coaching on these topics.

We've got to question our thoughts and beliefs. We've got to get ourselves out of autopilot. We spend so much of our lives like this, driving down the street, and you don't really know if that light you passed was red or green; you just drove on autopilot.

So, stick around for the solution that's coming up, for the fourth way of thinking, because it also applies to this one. And that fourth way of thinking, is victim think. I'm powerless, because… Because of all this overwhelm, there's no way that I can do this. Because of these life events, there's no way that I can do this. I would love to do this. I could definitely do this. But there are all these reasons that I can't do it, outside of me.

But again, kind of taking this Roger Bannister example, what if you knew that every single woman starts a business while breastfeeding. That's just an example. I'm not saying that you should start a business while breastfeeding. From personal experience, it can be done. And so many other things can happen, too.

I mentioned that I was at my mastermind retreat a week ago, and there was a woman there who is building her business. She's a humanitarian, ex-humanitarian worker, but now, in her off time, she still contributes to the causes that she feels are most in need. And so, she is currently in the Ukraine, building her business. Starting up her coaching business, while contributing to relief efforts from the ground, in Ukraine.

And she just shared that example about how really, we can do so much more than we give ourselves credit for anyone. Anyone who would say you can't build a business in a war zone, she's like; actually, it can be done. So again, there's no judgement about what you decide to do. You are the driver of your life. This is just about making the cleanest decisions.

So, very simple question you can ask yourself, if you catch yourself in this type of thinking is; if accomplishing this from where I am now, we're pretty normal, how would I be thinking about it? How would I be making it happen? If I were guaranteed success, what I want to do this now?

So, I've walked you through four types of thinking that keep you playing small; you want to be on the lookout for these. If you're thinking; maybe where I am is good enough; maybe I don't really want to rock the boat. Those modes of thinking are black-and-white thinking, future perfect thinking, self-limiting thinking, and victim think.

Each of them is completely normal, we all do them. And we all need to snap out of them, so that we can make our best decisions. Like, let's not make decisions based on a brain tick. We can still make smart and calculated decisions that are also in alignment with what we actually want. Because while part of our brain wants to keep us safe, there's another impulse within us, too, right?

It's the one that's led mankind is spread out to every corner of the globe, to cross oceans, to go to the moon. Our souls seek expansion, just like the universe keeps expanding. That's part of us, just as much as our safety impulses. That's the part that says, and what else? And, there's more.

Now, just like the seasons, there is always a time to rest. Rest is what regenerates us and prepares us. But I believe that is seasonal, rather than permanent. Especially if you've found your way to me, or to the type of wisdom I've been exposed to. And I gotta tell you, staying still for too long probably isn't in the cards for you anyway; expansion is inevitable.

You can't silence it. Now, there's no rush, but the natural evolution of your soul is towards its greatest expression, which includes your leadership, your visibility, and abundance in every realm. If you're pulled to that way of thinking, it's because you're here to accelerate your evolution in this lifetime.

And you're not alone. So many women are being called to overturn millennia of disempowerment, repression, scarcity, all in this generation. That's no small feat. But we're doing it, aren't we? Together.

All right, my friends. That's it for this week. On a certain level, you know who you are. And every day you are stepping further into what you are here to create.

If you know that you have some sort of ceiling that is holding you back, but you just don't know what it is or how to bust through it. And you're dying to see what's on the other side, I can help you with that, my friend. You do not have to stay in the land of what ifs, any longer. I've come up against my own limitations and then broken my brain about what is actually possible, over and over.

You can listen to Episode 6 for some of my story, but I've surprised the hell out of myself, repeatedly. And I've helped my clients do it, too. This goes way beyond business coaching. Repeatedly, my clients have said things like, “You are so much more than just a business coach. You're better than my therapist. I've been in therapy for 20 years, and I've never gotten the kind of transformation that I have with you.”

And it's interesting, because I, myself, have been doing EMDR lately, with my own therapist. And I'm like; huh, I've been doing some of this kind of stuff with my clients. I just didn't know what it was called. I just intuitively knew that that's what was needed to get us our results, in some situations.

Sometimes we need to go deep, and we need to support your nervous system as we do. This is just what I do, I quantum leap the healing and evolution of my clients. But what does it actually look like to move beyond that cap or ceiling and reimagine everything?

I'm talking, a 22-year-old, straight out of college and all unsure, who now runs a wildly successful business with massive impact. And, oh yes, just also happens to bring in multiple six figures. Because that is a natural byproduct of centering yourself, and then removing the ways that you hold yourself back.

Or, another woman who had been chained to a job with this codependent boss, who greatly underutilized her talents. Who then quit that job of over 20 years, and started earning just as much with just a few freelance clients. But taking back so much more time for herself, and exponentially increasing her joy in the process.

Or another, who sold consumables through the internet, hiding behind a screen. But had a calling to share everything she'd learned with other women; she just didn't know what that could look like. And when she described it to me, I said without missing a beat; oh, you're going to turn your company into a spiritual lifestyle brand. And, it was instant clarity for her. Scary as hell, but instant knowing.

Once you see it, you can't unsee it. Or me, who sat in confusion for two decades only to now become the flippin’ queen of clarity. Are you kidding me? The me of only seven years ago, would have laughed out loud with that one. Anything is possible, my friends. And, the residual effects become almost more exciting than even the goal that we start out with.

Transforming your body, because you're no longer suppressing all of your disappointment with food. Or, ditching the loser boyfriend, because your own amazing worth becomes so glaringly obvious, that the partnership is now laughable. Or, moving cities or even countries, because when you untether your mind, you also untether your spirit.

If this type of complete makeover is calling to you, if you know this is your next work, I've got an invitation. I'm opening a spot for one private client. Typically, I constrain my private coaching to graduates of the Clarity Accelerator. But when I get a ping, I listen. My business is heavily guided by this knowingness. And this one is telling me to open up the spot; maybe for you.

Here's what we'll do together over six months:

We will cut out the years of confusion, frustration, unproductive, stuckness and huge investments that I have made, in order to figure out exactly what this process entails. So, that I can do it on repeat. We'll cut all of that out for you and just focus on these four simple things.

Number one, we are going to do a full inventory of where you are mentally. How do you think about your reality now? What are those beliefs and supposed circumstances that you've never even questioned? You think you just are the way you are? Think again?

Next, we'll question everything. Because you have to be willing to burn everything to the ground, in order to create what's even more extraordinary. I've loved watching Judd Apatow’s new documentary on HBO®, about the comedian George Carlin.

Because at the height of each point in his career, he would reinvent himself and step more fully into his own truth, leaving his current fans behind and willing to leave his current fans behind. But each time he just got more and more successful.

Third, we're going to construct your new identity, on purpose this time. How does she think? How does she see the world? What is she willing to receive that you aren't? And where's the disconnect right now? What's really holding you back? What aren't you willing to feel to get to the other side?

This is where many people stumble. They spend all their mental energy hanging out in the past, and let that past drive their actions, so they end up creating the same results over and over. We are not; we're going to create from your future.

And if you worry that you won't be able to, because you can't really even envision it, or you don't quite know what you want, don't worry. When you sign up for this work, when you commit with full seriousness, the universe conspires to get you focused.

And lastly, we're going to build it. We are going to create. We are going to take this beautiful vision out of the abstract, and turn it into concrete reality. This will not be a comfortable process. Most of the world holds themselves back from greatness, because they don't want to do the scary things.

Now, you'll have a different perspective by this point. You're going to think about reality and possibilities, from a much different place by the time we get here. But that will not let you escape discomfort. It won't help you escape your human brain that’s saying, “Nuh-uh. That’s too much. Changed my mind. Things are really pretty good right here, in the status quo.”

This is for you if you are a seven-or-six-figure earner, or perhaps near six figures. And I am happy to coach on business topics, because I don't think you can separate business and life. Entrepreneurship is the number one personal development journey. But the focus will be on transforming you, so that your world can mirror your transformation.

The right candidate has already accomplished some pretty amazing things in life. You have a history of challenging yourself. You know you're 100% capable. And, you know it's time to take it to the next level.

This level, these ideas you've been toying with, they feel a little different this time, don't they? And you're right, they are. Otherwise, you would have already done the damn thing. Come on, we know who we're dealing with. But your life has brought you here, specifically, so that you can be challenged, with the exact situations and decisions you're being challenged by.

It's not easy. But on the other side is the accomplishment; the sense of rightness, the arrival, the relief, the wealth, the joy, the connections, the peace of mind, the impact that you were born for.

It's simple to apply; you just head to my website or to the link in the description, schedule a call, and we'll get to know each other. I will be able to pinpoint, right then and there, the main things that have been keeping you stuck. And, you will know by the end of our call if this is for you or not.

I really get excited about these conversations, regardless of whether someone's coming to me for coaching or I'm applying to work with a coach, because they are always so clarifying. They always produce ah-ha’s.

And oh, by the way, if you're feeling a little bit nervous about the idea of a complete makeover, just know that you are always in control. You get to keep what you want to keep about your life, and up-level what you want to improve.

This is a serious multiple five-figure investment, where we're going to spend six months shattering your own glass ceiling. So that you can step fully into the potential of who you're really meant to be, at this point in your life. Once the spot is gone, it's gone.

Again, you'll find a link right here in this episode description. So, you can follow the nudge and book your call right away.

Hey, if you enjoyed today’s show, you do not want to miss next week’s. Seriously. Follow the show wherever you listen to your podcast, so you don’t miss an episode. And would you please, leave a super quick rating and review about this episode?

It’s how you’ll let me know what you liked and what you’re still curious about, so that I can create the most valuable content for you, going forward. As well as how you’ll help other highly-driven but slightly uncertain entrepreneurs find this show, and get the tools they need.

Thank you so much.

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