2 steps to master your to-do list

To list, or not to list? 

Last week I pointed out that to-do lists can actually make us less productive. If you’re a compulsive list-maker like me, that’s pretty deflating.

On the one hand, you need some way to get the thousand ideas, projects and tasks floating around in your head into some sort of organizable format. A girl needs her clear mental feng shui, after all.

But on the other, you don’t want to feed a habit that makes you feel worse about yourself and reduces your performance, regardless of the dopamine goodness you get in the short-term.

Luckily, there’s a way to have it all. And it only involves two simple steps, both of which will make you happier in life and less overwhelmed if you just stick with them.

A quick caveat

These steps are deceptively simple. In reality, this might be one of the hardest things you’ll do. In fact, it’s what most of my clients struggle the most to implement.

Why? Because you have to reward yourself for the things that you do each day,even when you’re not sure you did enough.

And focusing on the positive doesn’t come naturally to us, as I also pointed out last week.

The good news is that this works. It gets you out of the future tense and into the actionable present in a manageable way.

Remember those days of coming across old lists with projects that still haven’t been accomplished? No longer your problem.

Making friends with your list

Ok, ready for the steps? Here they are:

1. Prioritize (aka whittle it waaay down):

So you’ve got 20 items on your list and you just know that today’s the day you’re going to knock them all out? I love the enthusiasm, but it’s a) probably unrealistic and b) certainly unsustainable.

Instead, prioritize your top 1 to 3 tasks. Do it at the end of the workday or the end of the workweek, so that when you start the day you can look and see exactly what’s ahead without getting consumed by everything else you coulda-woulda-shoulda been doing.

(You’ll probably still think of other to-dos. That’s ok. Quickly add them to your master list and forget about them. You can check out your master list at the end of the day – or week, if you have a more advanced practice – when you re-prioritize.

And if you find that some items linger on your list and never really become a priority? Say adiós. This is about slowing down and returning to the fundamentals, not accumulating mental clutter that weighs you down.)

2. Celebrate

Once you’ve completed your 1 – 3 tasks, reward yourself. You’ve accomplished what you set out to do and are proving you can count on yourself. If you keep this up, imagine the real progress you’ll have made in a year….

Curl up with a new book, meet a friend for a martini, splurge on a sitter for the kids or a dog walker for the furbaby … it doesn’t really matter how you choose to reward yourself. I like to set up small celebrations on the daily followed by something extra special at the end of the week.

You’re developing a positive feedback loop, and that will help you way more in the long run than whatever extra 3 or 5 or 10 things you might’ve done today.

This might happen…

In the beginning, don’t be surprised if you conveniently “forget” to celebrate, or if every bone in your body is lamenting the stupidity of the exercise given that you’ve ONLY done 3 things and there’s so much else you should be doing!!!

Don’t give up. It can take weeks to form a habit, and you need to get to the point where you’re on autopilot. After that you’re free to customize at will … maybe you’ll find that 5 tasks is your magic number, or 2.

What you’re looking for is consistency, the discipline to celebrate your progress, and the power (someday soon) to shake off overwhelm.

Here’s to becoming happier and freer on your journey,

Jenna

What neuroscience says about your to-do list

I’ve got to confess: Even though I know better now, if I stop paying attention I slip right back into my old ways.

I’m a hoarder ... a hoarder of to-do lists.

They turn up everywhere – upstairs, downstairs, in drawers, tucked in journals, falling out of pockets, divided among countless sticky notes….

But how can I stop?! I get such a rush when things get out of my head and onto paper. It’s like feng shui for the mind.

And don’t even get me started on the joy of actually crossing something off….

But even though it’s a short-term high, the latest research tells us that to-do lists tend to make us less productive by negatively affecting performance in the medium and long run.

(Noooo!!!)

It turns out that we love to-do lists because we get a rush of dopamine every time we cross something off. Those dopamine hits are très addictive - like warm chocolate croissants from Starbucks.

Unfortunately, we tend to put way more onto those to-do lists than we can reasonably accomplish.

And the effect of NOT crossing things off our lists – or worse! watching our lists continually grow longer, rather than shorter – makes us feel even worse than we did before we made the list.

What ends up happening is that a negative feedback loop forms:

• We feel loss over the lack of dopamine

• We focus on what we DIDN’T do, rather than what we DID accomplish, and feel overwhelmed by everything there is to do

• We decide there’s something wrong with us (we’re lazy, we lack discipline, we’re too scattered)

• Subconsciously, we’re less inclined to tackle future projects because we know we end up feeling bad about ourselves. It’s so much easier to get a quick hit of dopamine from social media or some other source!

(All of this is completely human and completely logical. We’re wired to pay more attention to the negative situations in our lifex (after all, they’re more life-threatening than positive situations) and then avoid them at all costs!)

If this even remotely rings a bell, then hang tight. I’ve got a solution for you coming next week that will show you how to have your lists but keep crossing things off like a badass, too.

Here’s to getting your projects off of paper and out into the world,

Jenna

THIS basketball tip can help you beat overwhelm

Even as the buzzer sounded with a 92-73 upset, there were still a few fans left waving their country’s flags forlornly in the stands.

It was as if they were hoping for a last-minute miracle and their bodies had gone into shock rather than accept the truth:

The tiny island of Puerto Rico had just beaten the United States in basketball at the 2004 Olympics in Athens.

Prior to this moment, the United States had won 109 of their 111 Olympic games. Since 1992, when pro players were first allowed on the team, they had been completely undefeated.

Nobody had expected this.

So What Happened?

The analysis began before the game even ended, with opinions flying back and forth faster than the balls themselves. When the dust settled, one thing was clear:the Puerto Rico team had a better grasp of the fundamentals.

Puerto Rico played like a team, careful and steady, rather than a bunch of individual superstars. They took their time, they passed, they guarded, and they scored. Mentally, they were resilient and positive despite what seemed like overwhelming odds.

The United States team hadn’t spent much time practicing together. They slumped and pouted. They argued with referees, they failed to pass the ball during important plays and they rushed to the basket for a slice of limelight … only to miss the shots over and over.

Returning to the Fundamentals

Lots of factors contributed to the difference between players, but the one worth pointing out here is the decreasing time that U.S. players were spending at amateur levels before moving into professional careers.

It turns out that all those boring drills and practice games and mental maturation and sacrificing for the team … actually made people better players in the long run. Go figure.

What’s This Got to Do With Us?

It’s natural to be seduced by ‘shiny objects,’ whether that’s…

… a seemingly direct path to the basketball hoop

… a new business practice guaranteed to make you mega-money mega-quickly

… or any of a hundred to-dos that promise to make you a better human, partner, parent, gardener, chef, athlete, etc.

Usually we try to take on too many of those new tactics, often before we’re ready, and they don’t lead us to the Promised Land.

Instead, they just lead to overwhelm. Before you know it, your path to the hoop is blocked by three towering opponents, you frantically try to pass, but the ball gets intercepted.

Try This Instead

Slow down.

Do one thing at a time.

Master your current set of skills before upping your game with something new.

There’s a really distinct energy when you approach things this way.

When you’re overwhelmed, trying anything and everything, you feel frazzled. Maybe you don’t feel like you’re good enough, or maybe you feel like you’re better than those around you. Either way, there’s a sense of lack – and maybe even frustration or anger – that’s driving your actions.

When you take time to master the fundamentals, you make sure you’ve covered the basics first. Then, because you know your boundaries and priorities so well, you feel like you've accomplished what you set out to do at the end of the day. There’s a sense of fulfillment.

And Then a Funny Thing Happens

Out of that sense of contentment comes a tiny little nudge … of curiosity, of change, of excitement. Like a college MVP moving onto the pros, it’s time for the next phase.

Chances are, there are parts of your life that can be put on auto-pilot because they’ve become absolutely fundamental to who you are and how you do. If not, maybe they no longer serve you and you’ll want to retire them.

Either way, it frees up space, and into that space flows our basic human impulse to grow, strive, and expand.

And that’s the place where true superstars are born.

Here’s to getting back to what really counts,

Jenna

THIS is your practice now

Have you stopped to think about how much time you spend on routines?

We brush our teeth, walk the dog, check email, and watch our favorite shows. We meet up with friends, head to the gym or go for a run, and maybe even meditate.

Yet so often, we don’t find time for our deepest work. (When I say ‘work,’ I’m referring to the thing that you’re driven to contribute in the world.)

Your Practice

In yoga, there’s lots of reference to “your practice.” Sometimes people think it refers only to the physical poses you do during yoga class, but it’s more than that.

ANYTHING can be your practice. (In fact, everything can be your practice.)

Just getting yourself onto your yoga mat can be the practice! Brushing your teeth can be a practice (it demonstrates your commitment to personal hygiene). Watering your geraniums can be a practice (it reflects your dedication to nurturing or creating a pleasing home).

All that matters is that you show up and do it.

It’s a psychological and even spiritual transformation of the mundane and tedious. Whatever you commit to – whether daily or weekly – should have a reason, and it should make you proud.

Your Practice, Take 2

Today I’d like to send a loving reminder that your work is your practice now.

Those “urgent” things that you tell yourself to finish before you begin your work? Not your practice. Doing things for others, when you know your own work is neglected? Not your practice. Keeping up to the minute on your social media feeds? Not your practice.

If you feel short on time, there are so many things you can let slide. Even if you used to commit to them diligently, they have served their purpose and can be retired.

Once you feel the call to tap into your creativity and contribution, you have found your practice.

It doesn’t matter if the way doesn’t seem clear. It doesn’t matter if there’s a hurdle you’d rather avoid. It doesn’t matter if you’re scared. And it doesn’t even matter how much you do on a given day. 

All that matters is that you show up and practice, today.

This is your time,

Jenna

Are you willing to pay rent for what you want?

Once there was a man who decided to live life by the motto that “It’s better to be fooled than be suspicious.”

If someone took advantage of his trust, he brushed it off and reasoned that his loss was simply ‘rent.’

Rent on what?

On his ideals, on his faith in human nature. He figured it would cost him more to live life as a suspicious person, cutting himself off from opportunity, than to live openheartedly and pay the occasional cost, i.e. rent, to maintain his convictions.  

Ever since I first encountered him (he’s a character in the E.M. Forster novel Howard’s End, by the way), I’ve been fascinated by his story.

While I’m a big fan of setting boundaries, I’m an even bigger fan of taking risks.

What about you?

… Is there something you’ve been holding back on, because you fear the consequences?

What, exactly, have you got to lose? Will it be as devastating as you might be imagining, or is it merely a rent payment? Maybe what you’re doing is far more costly than a little rent payment now and then.

…Or did you try something in the past, only to get burned?

Maybe you need to stop being so hard on yourself, brush it off as a simple rent payment, and get back to living your life.

As we head into fall, often one of the most productive times of the year, it’s worth thinking about your choices. 

Will you go for it, or hold yourself back?

Here’s to calculated risks,

Jenna

If it were that simple, we’d all be driving Ferraris

Are you sick of people telling you that if you just believed harder, everything would turn out? Or that all you need to do is repeat affirmations or change the way you think?

If so, you might have felt (rightly) defensive a couple of weeks ago when I said that the thing you’re waiting for is waiting for you (to change and make change).

Sometimes, the problems people have are way beyond their control.

That’s why it’s so important to loop back and clarify that this argument I’ve been making is NOT about victim blaming. There’s too much of that going around as it is.

I've noticed that once people adopt the point of view that the mind itself is capable of initiating a radical transformation of circumstances, there’s a tendency for some of those converts to be rather unforgiving towards their brothers and sisters in less fortunate circumstances.

"If they just believed / had faith / did their inner work rather than complaining so much…." 

Sometimes, external circumstances don’t change despite best efforts. Structural inequalities exist, really shitty luck exists, and a host of other impairments exist.

If everything were as simple as a mind trick, we’d all be driving Ferraris.

So where does that leave us?

Hopefully, it’s a gentle reminder to be more empathetic, not less empathetic, when we see someone struggling. Most of us can draw on the experience of having felt absolutely powerless at some point in our life. 

It also leaves us full circle, back to the tips that I offered up last week for making massive change.

Because regardless of the external circumstances impeding your life, the kind of change we’re looking for – the kind that is life-transforming rather than a one-off fluke – ultimately does begin within.

Before any oppressed person has claimed equal rights, they first had to believe that they were worthy of those rights, they had to believe that the very system that oppressed them could change, and they had to believe that they had a role in that change.

Unless you change – change how you think, act, and believe, or even just change up the energy in order to allow a fresh perspective – then your unfavorable circumstances don’t have much chance of ever disappearing from your life. (And if they do, they’ll likely find their way back to you sooner rather than later.)

The change you seek might not happen as soon as you like, but you can still live differently, beginning today.

Remember that even the smallest of your efforts count: Lots of people say they wish things would change, but not everybody takes steps to see it happen.

You have the power to design your life and thoughts to the best of your ability within your circumstances, and those changes should never ever be downplayed or undervalued.

So here’s to you, exactly where you are.

Jenna

3 techniques for making massive change

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I said that the thing you’re waiting for is waiting for you (to change and make change), and then offered to provide some tips this week for initiating that process? 

What I’m suggesting is no Secret (more about that next week), so I’ll dive right in.

Here are three things you can do now to start the internal change that will both inspire and prepare you for massive external change:

• Shake things up – Get out of your comfort zone, change where you live, take a course in something new, or even just clean and re-arrange your home (really feng shui it up). It can be as drastic or subtle as feels right, but do something you wouldn’t normally do.

• Mind exercises – Journaling, walking and reflecting, and/or working with a coach or therapist are great ways to question your perceptions. IF there were something internal interfering with your progress, what might that thing be?

• Create the environment – Ask yourself to isolate something small that you’re looking forward to if the change you seek comes your way. Choose something that’s doable here and now, and then start doing it. This is SUCH an important practice, because it gets you in the habit of designing and living the life you want NOW, rather than always waiting for what’s around the bend.

Each of these share something important: They don’t have to be huge, monumental changes. You don’t need to quit your job, break up with your beau, or sell your possessions and move to Tahiti (unless you want).

Change begins with just one small thing a day. 

(When I was still in the throes of Corporate America and longed more than anything else to telecommute or freelance, I imagined one day throwing on my flip flops each morning and strolling down to the beach for Cuban coffee. It NEVER occurred to me that I could make that a part of my life routine regardless of whether or not I worked a 9 – 7, just by getting up a little earlier. When that day finally came around and I strolled as planned, I was ecstatic! Yet in retrospect, I think about the years of coffees and morning beach time I let slip by me.)

Prioritize that thing, get used to that thing, make that thing a part of your life, and watch your attitude and energy change.

And as for the other stuff? Will that change, too?                                                                             

Often, yes. (I’ll talk more about those mechanics next week.)

Here’s to being the change now and not later,

Jenna

The thing you’re waiting for is waiting for you

Do you dream of something different, but wonder when it will actually happen? It depends.... 

Usually we see one primary barrier holding us back.

It might be a better job that gives us more free time, a partner that encourages and supports us emotionally, or even a winning lottery ticket that funds our dream.

But the truth is that often, it’s really not about circumstances or a lack of resources. It’s about a lack of resourcefulness (as Tony Robbins famously told Al Gore in front of the crowd at TED).

Or sometimes, we’re expecting divine intervention.

I remember the stage when I felt ready to find a life partner, but it seemed there were none in sight. I lived in Miami Beach, a world-class city for dating but not so great for long-term partnership.

And yet, I did nothing to change my circumstances.

Some suggested I move, but I loved my house, my job and my life. Give all that up for something that wasn’t even certain? No. Change my behavior, expectations, or mindset? No, that wasn’t the problem! And look for love online? Oh hell no!

If it were meant to be, the Universe would bring us together somehow … maybe reaching for the same ripe tomato at the farmers’ market down on Lincoln Road….

(I eventually did meet my husband online. He lived in Korea, so it would’ve been mighty difficult for us to covet the same tomato. Plus he gets super, super bored at farmers’ markets.)

What so many of us don’t realize – what I failed to realize – is that the change we seek is waiting for us. It’s waiting for us to change, and then it’s waiting for us to make change.

I’d argue that change waits for us much longer than we wait for change.

Are you ready to start moving in the right direction? Sometimes it only takes the tiniest shift to change the energy surrounding your circumstances.

Next week I’ll share some ways you can jumpstart the next phase of your life.

Here’s to your dreams,

Jenna

Feeling unmotivated? You might be fiu.

The sun is shining and the summer waves are calling, but you’re stuck inside staring at a computer. All of that thrilling excitement and enthusiasm you had when you began this work seems to have vanished.

You’re so over it.

You shut your laptop and scribble a note for your door:

“Temporarily closed because I’m feeling bored and burned out. Be back someday.”

But if you were in Tahiti you could have saved some ink:

“Closed for fiu.”

What’s fiu?

Fiu (pronounced "few") is a word used in French Polynesia (the Pacific island chain encompassing Tahiti, Bora Bora, and about 119 others) to describe the feeling of being bored, fed up, burned out or tired. At the same time, there’s this underlying wish to just relax and get away from it all.

Wait, Jenna. You’re seriously telling me that people in Tahiti just want to get away from it all?! Where in the world do they get away to?

It’s real, people. 

I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

• Shops closed in the middle of the day in high tourist season

• road construction sites sitting empty with lonely looking machinery

• breakfast cafes that finally open at noon

Turns out, dwindling motivation is universal and affects us all at some point. The only real difference is that some cultures acknowledge (even celebrate!) it, and others … not so much.

But I’m already behind! I don’t have time for fiu!

There are two ways to move beyond your fiu. The first is definitely more fun, but sometimes the second is more necessary.

1. Go outside – Disconnect, get out in nature, get your body moving … do whatever it is that feeds your soul (filling your days crossing tasks off of your at-home to-do list doesn’t count). It’s crying out for a refresher, and the inspiration you long for will be so much more accessible if you just. take. a. break.

2. Go inside - Tap into the bigger picture of why you’re doing it and how it fuels you, and remember that – just like other practices whose best effects are felt over time (yoga, running, meditation, cooking) – this is your practice now. Double down and “breathe” through some more work … some mindset work! Ask yourself if there’s something else that’s really going on.

How do you know which to choose?

Here’s a tip for what to do if you’re feeling unmotivated:

Look back on what preceded your mental fatigue, and do the opposite.

 If you’ve been working overtime, either with single focus or too many balls in the air, you probably need that refresher. Don’t guilt-out over it. Revel in it like a polynésien.

If you can’t quite manage to get started OR this is a part of a pattern OR you just returned from a fiu-break and still don’t feel energized, it’s time to start asking yourself the big questions.

(What do I really want? How am I willing to grow to achieve it? Is this my intuition telling me to take another path, or a lens revealing my own resistance to happiness and success?)

I sincerely hope this post helps you get back to your happy place a little more quickly and shed some self-doubt. When it creeps in, remember that the ebbs and flows of motivation are part of the human experience. 

And now if you’ll excuse me, the sun is shining, and my puppy and I are going for a hike.

Here’s to late summer fiu,

Jenna

When sh*t doesn’t feel right

Sometimes you just know something’s not right.

Or do you?

Listening to your intuition is a hot topic for everybody from artists to CEOs, but since it’s really hard to define it can leave even the most emotionally connected people feeling uncertain.

Like most of the abstract terms we routinely throw around, it becomes a little shy when you try to pinpoint it:

Is this love … or is this person mirroring some deep psychological need?

Is this the end of love … or is this just me creating psychological distance?

Is this guiding intuition … or is the situation just satisfying a subconscious longing?

Is this protective intuition … or is it fear?

If only we had a crystal ball.

Welcome to transition

As I write this I’m knee-deep in disarray. After over a month in hotels and a 1,700 mile road trip, we’re finally moving into our new home in Colorado.

We couldn’t wait to get into this house! We searched for it, chose it among all others, negotiated for it and even pleaded just a little. We waited not-so-patiently. And now it’s ours…

But when we actually moved in, things just didn’t feel right.

We couldn’t get comfortable. If it made sense to sit facing one direction, our furniture would only allow us to face the opposite.

Every room seemed awkward, and it wasn’t just frustrating … it felt awful. Just like when the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and tell you to slowly back away.

Had we made a huge mistake?

And then the shift happened

But we kept at it. We kept unpacking boxes, trying different arrangements, and making sure we got lots of sleep.

And pretty soon, things began to shift. A flash of inspiration here, the mundane removal of a rug there, and before we knew it, it started to feel … good. The feng shui realigned and the house started becoming our home.

I’m sure you’ve experienced energy shifts like that in your life, too. The question is, what causes the shift? Luck, perseverance, mindset? Maybe all of the above?

In my opinion, the most important variable is time.

When you’re transitioning, time is what allows the more reactionary parts of your brain to chill out. Time is how you naturally reconcile the way things used to be or how things should be with how they really are … and eventually realize that despite feelings of fear or resistance, you’re ok.

Mindset work, affirmations, and looking on the sunny side are all extremely powerful, but none of them have the special properties of time.

Let’s break it down

When we moved into the new house, we were facing two mental incongruities:

• Our old house, our “home,” felt and looked different. This wasn’t that, so it wasn’t home and therefore possibly would never be home.

• When we looked at pictures of the new house and walked through its empty rooms, we projected a rosy vision of our future that contrasted sharply with the reality of moving-box-overwhelm and funky furniture proportions.

Neuroscientists have a name for the brain activity that occurs during this disconnect between expectations and reality: “prediction error.” (You can read more about it in an earlier post, The Brain Science of Being Uncommon.)    

It’s inherently uncomfortable – more so for some than for others – and in simplest terms its functions are to keep us safe and help us learn quickly.

When we experience this kind of discomfort, but then eventually see that our worst fears never came to pass (no tiger jumped out of the bushes to pounce on us), we relax out of the stress response. We’re able to take in more information and open ourselves to new possibilities.

What we thought was a pair of tiger eyes is actually just a funny looking leaf, and before long we’re passing by that bush on the daily and even sampling its juicy, sweet berries.

Why time is so magical

Time is more effective (but also frustratingly slower) than many other interventions because the fear mechanism is located in a part of your brain that can’t process language or logic. It responds only to direct experience.

That’s precisely why so many of the most effective relaxation techniques involve sensory experience (such as breath work, meditation and mindfulness, and somatic experiencing).

However, when your brain is screaming, “This is wrong!! Run!!” it can be really difficult to fully enter into a state of relaxation, no matter how hard you try. (Think about it. When you’re faced with an existential threat it would be counterproductive, to say the least, if your brain were able to switch off the fear response like a light switch.)

But what we CAN do is … wait. (In stress-response language, we can “freeze.”) We might not shake the creepy crawly feeling right away, but we can force ourselves not to run.

And by waiting, we can confirm or deny our suspicions. 

If it’s not meant to be – if you’re not meant to be in that house or continue with that business or if you’re not meant to gorge on berries because there’s a freakin’ tiger in the bush – your intuition will be confirmed.

And if it’s actually ok, that too will come to light.

So the next time you’re at a transition crossroads and it feels off (or awful), before you throw everything away remember this: All will be revealed in due time. And by then, you'll feel much more certain about your decision.

Here’s to a measured response to your intuitive hits,

Jenna