Ep #13: Allowing Yourself to Receive
Do you find it difficult to ask for help or support? Do you feel awkward or undeserving when somebody pays you a compliment? Are you always trying to downplay your accomplishments to yourself or those around you? You are not alone. So many women block themselves from receiving in these ways.
Allowing yourself to sit back and receive is no easy feat, especially as a woman. But we can all agree, receiving more is a good thing. So why are so many women still holding themselves back in their lives and businesses by unintentionally blocking so much of what they’re trying to achieve?
Join me this week as I’m sharing why it’s so difficult for women to allow themselves to receive, and how this is holding you back in your life and business. I’m asking you some questions to help spark realizations and develop awareness about what is feeling difficult to receive and sharing three steps to get you course correcting today and beginning the work of allowing yourself to receive more.
If you would like help getting clear on what you are offering and how to talk about it, you have to join us in The Clarity Accelerator. It’s 60 of the best-spent days you’ll ever have, and you’ll get my eyes on your business and your messaging helping you dial all this in. Click here to schedule a call with me as soon as possible to learn more.
What You’ll Learn From This Episode:
The conditioning we have received as women and how it impacts our businesses.
Some thoughts that keep you from expanding into a new level of consciousness or experience.
How being unable to receive has shown up in my own life.
Some places where it might be tough for you to receive and the reasons for it.
How to allow yourself to receive more
What not allowing yourself to receive is really costing you.
A simple mantra to help you receive more in your life.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Full Episode Transcript:
You're listening to Episode 13 of The Uncommon Way, where we're talking about the art of receiving, and why it's so difficult for women, especially, to allow themselves to receive. How that blocks so much of what they're trying to achieve in business and life. And, how to begin the work of allowing yourself to receive more.
I've got some questions for you, that will help spark some realizations about what, specifically, is feeling difficult to receive. And of course, what to do about it. Because I think we all can agree, receiving more is a good thing. Right?
You're listening to The Uncommon Way Business and Life Coaching Podcast, the only podcast that helps you unlock your next level in business and life, by prioritizing your clarity and your own Uncommon Way. You will learn to maximize your mindset, mission, messaging, and strategy in order to create a true legacy. Here's your host, top ranked business coach and reformed overanalyzer turned queen of clarity, Jenna Harrison.
Welcome back to The Uncommon Way. I'm sitting in Porto San Paolo, Sardinia, looking at the beautiful red rooftops and white buildings that lead right down to this gorgeous sea. And there's this huge island rock, right out in the port. And, it just feels like life is really turning around.
Things are definitely looking up on the Italy front from last week. We switched homes, and we moved to a different part of the island. No more ant infestations. We can actually get food here, go out to restaurants, the area’s a lot more protected and less windy. So, we're pretty much loving life.
Now today, I want to talk about something that happened last week on a Clarity Collective call, and how it really highlights the importance of allowing yourself to receive. But first, I want to spotlight one of the listeners of this podcast who left this review:
“Clarity for the Soul. Jenna has a way of putting the confusion around entrepreneurship to sleep. Jenna uses her own clear sense of self to pave a path of simplicity for anyone looking to embody entrepreneurship and wealth as a destiny. Beautiful, inspiring, and forward thinking, this podcast offers simple yet highly effective strategy for mindset and sustainable wealth creation.”
That was actually from one of my dear mentors, Danielle Eyman. And I'm so grateful to anyone who takes the time to leave a review and to reflect back, either what they like about the podcast, because that helps other listeners figure out if it'll be helpful for them. And also, what they'd like to hear in the podcast, because that is so helpful for me. So, thank you, Danielle.
And I will fully and completely receive this compliment, because I am no longer afraid to own my truth. Now there was a point in my life, were reading those words, alone by myself in my bedroom, would have made me squirm with discomfort, let alone read them out loud to all of you. But allowing myself to receive this, is a testament to the work I've done on myself around this topic. And I'm on a mission to help others do the same.
Because there's one thing I've learned, it's that when you're trying to make something happen, your results are inferior to when you are letting things happen. Now, yes, there is balance. We're not just sitting back and doing nothing. But the actions we're taking reflect our beliefs. They're just who we are and what we do.
When things start to backfire, is when we're trying to force something to happen that we think we really need, or doubt that we'll get. That's when we shut the doors to receiving. We get so caught up in being self-reliant. Maybe you're like I was, and you've developed this story that you can't trust or count on anything outside of yourself. If you want something, nobody with you is going to make that happen.
And we get so used to that perspective, that we may not even realize that we're actually pushing things away. I can't stress the urgency of this work enough. If you don't start releasing this block, it's like being in a rowboat with a small anchor. Of course, everything's nautical theme for me now, because I'm here. But yes, it's like being in a rowboat with a small anchor.
Everything's so much harder and you go so much slower. When it comes to bringing on clients, it's almost like you've got one hand waving the person closer. But then with the other, your palm’s out flat and you're saying; stop, not too close. Like, come closer, but not too close.
So, let's see where it might be tough for you to receive. I'm going to ask you some questions and see if any of them feel relatable. Do you have a sneaking suspicion that you're the one blocking yourself from clients that want to pay you? Either, you're not bringing on many clients or your group size isn't really commensurate with peers, and with the effort you're putting out?
Do you hear your partner say, “Well, why didn't you just say so,” after you finally blow a gasket and say you need some help? When someone pays you a compliment, it feels awkward and often, undeserved. You tend to say something like; oh no, you're the one who looks amazing. Or, oh, thanks. I feel like I bombed it, though.
Do you feel guilty about money you spend on yourself, or investments you make in your business? So, you know you just make lots of smaller ones instead, like binge shopping at Marshall's? Are you always trying to grab the check at the restaurant so that someone else isn't paying for you? Does it feel totally uncomfortable to let somebody do something that you could just as easily do yourself?
So, you end up just doing most things yourself. And then you're exhausted from doing everything for everyone, and trying to show your business baby some love, too. But of course, everything the biz baby puts out has to be extra, extra perfect If you're ever going to truly deserve to be successful. Do you tend to downplay your accomplishments both to yourself and those around you?
If so, we've just identified another clarity gap. You now have awareness that you have some issues around receiving, but you don't know exactly what to do about it. So, hang on, because I'm here to help you close that gap.
But first, you might notice that there are several themes running throughout those questions. There is money, there’s support, love, success, praise, appreciation. So, it can show up in different ways. But in life, these are all entwined. So, having a resistance to one can end up blocking others, too. Which is why I invite you to take the work of learning to receive very seriously.
It is work. Almost all change involves work. But you can change this; this isn't a life sentence. And you deserve to get out of your own way here, and start receiving what life has to offer. This is the kind of work that can make your business seem too easy, just too good to be true. You go from striving and efforting and still underperforming, to really surprising yourself, to then having another layer of work to do, because you're feeling guilty that things come to you so easily.
I've seen this over and over, with myself, in many iterations of my business. Right? I was the one that was working so hard, and got to the point where I felt like I deserved, finally, to earn money in the business. And then, we moved, I put the business aside, and I started ranking on Google®, and clients just started coming.
I've seen with clients. too. I’m thinking of one who was significantly underpaid, with a few very difficult time-consuming clients, who ventured into this work with me. And then, started realizing all of the connections she had, that were longing to support her.
If you look at her story, in hindsight, you'd say; well, of course, she became a success. I mean, look at all the connections she had. But it didn't feel that way when we started working together. She didn't even realize she had them. She worked with athletes, and it turns out she knew people at Nike®.
And, a friend of hers was dating the coach of this hockey team. Oh, and also there was this industry professional organization that wanted her on the board. I can't even remember all of them, really. It was just so amazing when she started to reveal all of this to me. But these people deeply respected her work and wanted to showcase it, so that their athletes could improve their results.
And once she started letting that happen, that's really all she had to do; her business took off. Again, this work is not a shortcut for setting up business foundations, you have to do that. This client knew her people very well, she'd made discoveries about her own secret sauce, and how to describe it, she had some standout testimonials. Or rather, I helped her get the standout testimonials from the past success stories, because she wasn't asking for them in a way that highlighted the value of her work.
This is something we do when we, deep-down, feel uncomfortable about receiving. We don't even want the really great testimonials to put up on our page, because we'd feel so awkward having them there. But even with someone like that, who has done so much of the groundwork, you can still not be seeing meaningful results in your business if you have hang-ups about letting yourself receive.
Which is why it's important to try to get ahead of this, too. When you know you're about to do something that's going to stretch this receiving tolerance, the tolerance you have for receiving a set amount of goodness but no more, then you will want to engage in this work preemptively.
And as a coach, I'm always watching for this with my clients. When they want to move on to do X, I'm looking out for their receiving tolerance. Here's an example. So, last week during our Clarity Collective call, and again, that's the larger group comprised of both Clarity Accelerator clients and private clients who have already been through at least one round of the Clarity Accelerator.
One of the women was sharing a new dream idea that had occurred to her. Now, this woman is such an amazing groundbreaker. We always love her ideas. She came on board with me, right when she was transitioning her private medical practice from taking insurance to no insurance. And really wanting that to be successful, via calling in a new type of client.
Someone who was willing to pay for high quality medical care, regardless of whether their insurance would pay for it. And, it's been going so well, that now she's selling her practice, and going totally virtual.
Which by the way, is one of the amazing things about the Clarity Collective. Because there are these synergies where everybody's just one step ahead of another, and can lend a helping hand or perspective in one area, and benefit from it from someone else in another.
I have another physician client, who's just thinking about going out on her own and leaving behind the medical establishment that she's been with for years. And even though your coach can tell you how possible it is, there's something so different about knowing a peer of yours was able to do it, and being able to talk to her about it.
And that goes for finding your first clients, or switching business models, or a new platform. There's this amazing blend of variety and synergy within this room. It's positively electric. I love it so much.
Anyway, now that my client is going virtual, it occurred to her that maybe she wanted to take a sabbatical here, and then pick up her coaching/medical business later. But she was having thoughts like; well, but things are going so well. Maybe I should ride the momentum. I don't want to break anything. But am I thinking this way out of fear?
And this is a perfect point to interject, that if you have similar thoughts, you need to listen to my podcast Episode 10, called, The Four Types of Thinking that Keep You Playing Small. And then, you need to get inside the Clarity Collective, so you can get this sorted out. Because as you're about to see, just these little brain ticks, which are totally, totally normal brain ticks, can alter the course of your life; they can drastically affect your decisions.
So, first thing, I wanted to help her stretch her brain in the opposite direction from its natural inclination. Which was to see why she would want to continue coaching now, rather than the reasons like, because I should. Where's the desire in that option? Because you never want to make a decision from, should I do what I want, or should I live in fear? Right? That won't lead to a clean decision either way.
She's very coachable, so she was willing to play and allowed herself to talk through it. As she did, she started generating actual desire. And wouldn't it be amazing if every decision we made were win-win like that, right? Just the choice of two amazing options we love.
So, when we got to this clean decision point, then I asked her, “And now, just what if it weren't either/or? What if it were both, Thailand and coaching? What would that look like? Let's just daydream of it. And as she imagined having a few calls a day, there was initial resistance that was immediately counteracted, because at that very minute, her own coach was sitting in Italy. Still maintaining coaching calls without missing a beat.
It was so perfect, my friends, it is all possible. It's just a question of what you want to create. Now, I have zero judgment about whether my client stays in her current city, goes to Thailand for a sabbatical, or does both. But make it your uncommon way, do what you want, rather than letting either, society or a conditioned way of thinking, narrow your possibilities.
The things we're able to manifest in this collective are very special. And it's because it's no coincidence that we're all together, and that I call in the people that I do. We’re meant to interact with the people that are going to help us towards our next evolution. And that, we in turn, can help. This is how it works when you're moving in alignment.
But one thing I did want to get real with her about, as someone who has actually done what she's thinking of doing, is this receiving piece. So, I brought it up. Because, in order to live a life like this, you have to do the work of letting yourself receive. Especially for women, who are conditioned to put ourselves last, to do everything for everyone, to be humble, to make sure things get taken care of, even if that means working tirelessly behind the scenes.
In fact, there's all this approval and all these accolades, right, when you play that role. Oh, so and so has been working so hard, so selflessly, this place would fall apart without her. So, allowing yourself to sit back and receive, that is no easy feat. Think about it. Do you have any memories of your grandmother just sitting back and letting everyone else cook her a meal, and clean up after her? And, she doesn't even jump up from the table to start cleaning dishes? If you're like me, the answer is a big, no.
I had a lot of the same conditioning that you all do. So, starting to do these month-long trips to the Mediterranean triggered all sorts of things. Correction. Even when I first started thinking about taking these trips, it triggered all sorts of things. Imagine spending this money on yourself. This is not cheap. Wouldn’t a responsible, self-sacrificing, wife or mom use that money for something else, or just not use it at all?
Imagine asking your entire family to transplant themselves, to inconvenience themselves. Your sweet, 70-plus-year-old mom to take that grueling flight. Your little kindergartener to stop bonding with his new schoolmates. And instead, do something that sends him straight into crankiness and regressions.
On other trips, I've scheduled calls while my son was asleep. But now, I'm also asking for childcare support, from my mom or husband, for the times that I have calls. And as I've just mentioned, hanging out with Dylan is not easy. And I'm also asking for you all not to judge me, or at least, I'm opening myself up, vulnerably, to the possibility that you might, about how full of myself I am talking about ooh-la-la trip to Italy.
Who knows what people would think? Because isn't this all just so self-centered? It's like the woman in movies, who marries the good guy, and then becomes this total diva and spends all the money, and is a horrible mom, and makes everything all about her. These are the kinds of thoughts I've had, that I know are totally normal, because I've heard other people express them, too.
They're the ones that keep you from expanding into a new level of consciousness and experience. That keep you from living the full life that's available to you. The way I'm living now, is not something I just flowed into gracefully. It took work. It took serious unpacking and belief building.
I remember how painful it used to be for me to ask Ben for money. It always rubbed me the wrong way, even to allow a date to pay for my meals. And I remember racking up credit card debt because I didn't want to ask Ben for money for many, many years into our marriage. Even though I'd given up my career to be with him, and follow him around the world in his military career.
And I'd spent countless unpaid hours on military activities that benefited his career. But that perspective isn't what my brain defaulted to. It defaulted to, you’re a mooch. If you ask, it means you're dependent on a man and you've lost all sense of pride, and you're a failure. He's going to get sick of you anyway. But it wasn't just money.
It was even the little things. Like, I remember once, we were sitting at the table, and we needed ketchup. And even though he was closer to the fridge, I automatically popped up to go get it, because I just knew it would be so much more uncomfortable to sit there for those few seconds, until he would finally get up and go get the ketchup.
And even after I started doing this work, I remember there was a day where one of us needed to take the dog to the vet the next day. And, I had a lot of work. And, I had taken the dog the last time. And so, I remember saying to Ben, “Can you take her?” Now, he was in the bathroom, I was in the bedroom. And I said, “Can you take her,” and then I heard him sigh.
And I sat on the edge of the bed, I kid you not, just breathing into my body. Every single ounce, every fiber of my body, wanted to say; you know what? That's okay, I'll take her. But I didn't. I sat there and breathed until he was like, “Yeah, I can totally arrange that.” His sigh wasn't because he was frustrated that I asked. He was just trying to think through how he was going to arrange his day, so that he could take the dog to the vet.
And in business, I noticed for instance, that if I raised my price, I always found a way to make things harder in order to compensate. I'd start adding in extra calls or creating extra trainings. Or, I'd bring on a really difficult client and hear my inner voice say; I earned this. As if the value of what I was sharing with that client wasn't nearly as important as the time and effort I was giving to that client.
So, I have been there. I've been in the trenches. But I'll tell you what really opened my eyes. What was the biggest turning point in this work where I was like, I get it and I'll never go back. The first year I did this, the first year I took a month abroad, I took Dylan to the island of Paros, in Greece. And my mom came for just the last week or so, maybe 10 days of that trip.
The night she arrived at the little cottage, I went to get her a glass of water using a bottle in the fridge, and she goes, “Oh no, that's okay. I don't want to use up your water.” She was referring to the fact that she can just drink tap water. Even though it came from an underground cistern and smelled like old garbage, I kid you not.
A few minutes later, we got into an argument over who should get up with the baby in the morning, and let the other sleep in. Me, who had been there for weeks and was fully acclimated, or her, who just spent 24 hours traveling. And this was just typical for us. We were always like; oh, no, let me do it. Oh, no, let me do it.
I don't ever remember my mom just resting. She was always up doing something. Even at night, if she was watching TV, there might be something in the oven or she was sewing something. And it just clicked for me then, I was like; oh, no wonder my clients and I are like this. And no wonder my mom is like this, her mom was the same way, I'm sure.
And maybe you grew up with a model of self-sacrifice, too. I realized how deeply ingrained all of this is for us. Why it's so terribly uncomfortable to receive. Especially when we couple that, later in life, with trying to prove ourselves and be independent, self-sufficient women, right? We pile all of these other layers of meaning on top of why it's wrong to receive.
But friends, you need to think of abundance like a water hose. There's all this abundance coming towards you from the Universe, from loved ones, from clients; the volume is not the problem. The problem is that we pinch the flow of that hose. We're like; oh, that's too much. I wasn't prepared to get that wet.
And, it's like we have muscle memory around it. We acclimate to a certain level of receiving tolerance or abundance tolerance, and then as soon as a rash of good fortune and abundance slips through, we tense up again, and our fingers close off that hose.
So, what's a girl to do? How do you allow yourself to receive? This is ongoing work. It's something that we workshop regularly in the Clarity Collective. And something that I'm always calling out for my clients, and something that I'm working on, too.
So, I'm sure that if my husband listened to this podcast episode, he'd just be laughing, because I still exhibit a lot of these behaviors, right? It's a work in progress. But here are some key things to get you course correcting today.
Number one, first, you need awareness. So, this week, pick one thing where you suspect it's challenging for you to receive. It could be money, support, love, success, or praise, or whatever you come up with. And then, set some timers on your phone, so you can be reminded to reflect throughout the day on where this is showing up for you in your life now.
The second step is clarity, naturally. You need to get clear on what this is really costing you. How is it affecting your results, your energy level, your relationships, your creativity, your values? Really go there; get real. You need to do this, if you're ever going to convince your brain to undergo a change. Remember, your brain is trying to keep you alive by doing exactly what it knows works, aka what has kept you alive up until this point, right?
It is not interested in spending costly energy on rewiring brain circuitry. And then ask yourself; how is it unsafe to fully receive? Because we want clarity on why we haven't been allowing it, right? For those of you who are LCS (Life Coach School) coaches like me, I call these “advanced thought finders”.
So, what will it mean about you, if you were to receive in that way? Typically, with receiving, there's some tie to worthiness, to not enoughness. Because if your belief is I'm not enough yet, maybe if I get to X point, then I'll be enough or be worthy of receiving. Right? If I work hard enough, then I'll be worthy. Then you'll keep coming up with situations to reinforce this.
Ways in which you're not enough, situations where you're not there yet. Maybe you'll inadvertently create the evidence that people don't want to work with you, for instance.
From that kind of clarity, we move on to the third step, which is taking committed action to do and believe differently. This is what signals to your brain and the Universe that you're serious. Otherwise, you just keep recreating your old script, and maybe experiencing marginal improvement, but never big shifts.
I've talked about this process in other episodes, but the way to think of this is that you're increasing tolerance, just like you increase weights when you're working out. And, guess what? You can do this by creating a situation that stretches you. Maybe asking your family to clean up after dinner, and then not even doing something while they're doing it. Yeah, just kick your feet up, seriously.
Or, maybe, finally raising your prices. Or, you can baby step and practice with some mental exercises. Just imagine any of the things I just mentioned, or get really creative. Imagine yourself driving up somewhere in a Ferrari, stepping out in a diamond encrusted dress, and walking into an awards gala that's all about you. Where everyone singing your praises and you have to stand up there next to the person talking about you, and receive this award.
You do get to have fun with this, you know, but it should elicit enough discomfort, enough response, that you get to practice feeling that emotion. And you know what I want you to do, when it happens? I want you to say this simple mantra: I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry that I have needs. That I have opinions. That my work is worthwhile and valuable. That there are really amazing things in my life. That I have a zone of genius. I'm really done being sorry for any of it. And then, breathe.
Because the next step, when you're going through any up-level, is to relax your nervous system. If you're constantly in a triggered state, a part of your brain will double down on its protectiveness, and your efforts will be counterproductive. How do you relax your nervous system? If you don't know, we need to talk.
But whatever you've been doing, do it five times more regularly. Thank yourself for stretching. Reward yourself for tolerating the discomfort. That creates a positive feedback loop that makes your system more willing to try it again and again. You become more flexible when you allow your muscles to rest and recover. And these kinds of positive feedback loops will change your life.
Because your muscles become primed for bigger things. It's all transferable. Yeah, you'll still recognize the sensation of discomfort, though you'll have that muscle memory, so they won't seem so triggering. And you'll be able to move through them in a new way. And then, your nervous system will relax more quickly afterwards.
So, let me recap those. The first, is awareness. Obviously, you can't make change if you don't know what's going on. The second step is clarity. You need to make your brain understand what it's really costing you and where it might be coming from.
Then you need to take committed action to do and believe differently, knowing that it will bring discomfort. Practice saying the mantra “I'm not sorry”. And then, always allow your nervous system to relax. Give yourself that reset, so that you can keep growing and doing bigger and bolder things.
This is what you need to be willing to do and what you need to be willing to feel, in order to live your uncommon way. You have to open yourself to receiving that life, and expect that it won't be comfortable in the beginning. After all, the nature of uncommon is that not everyone's doing that or living that way.
So, on some level, it might not feel right or fair in the beginning. But so what if it stretches you a little, life is meant to stretch you. You can't get where you're going with the same brain that got you here. You are literally not able to receive the life you want with your current brain. Otherwise, you would have done it already.
And, it's so worth it, believe me. This is how I've created a life where I'm doing something that hardly anyone does; work from overseas, have location independence. Watch the joy on my husband's face as he sips and ice-cold beer looking out over the sea. Watch my mom as she buys the cutest little gifts for her friends back home, from the nice lady in the town square. See my son fascinated by the crab and the tide pools, and building sandcastles with foreign kids.
And furthering the values we have of being part-time citizens of the world, so we counteract that human tendency towards tunnel vision.
As a business owner, I get to stretch my brain about what actually creates results. I get to set so many business tasks aside, so many business have-to’s, and marvel that my revenue always seems to increase, regardless. I download inspiration just like trial scoops from the gelato shop. I relax into another way of life. I extend summer past its natural conclusion, back in Pennsylvania.
And I know, above all else, I know that I'm living a life of my own design. You can too.
Okay, that's it for the day. We're off to have a yummy seafood lunch in a little beach to taverna, and I will toast to you all. Remember, at a certain level you know who you are. And each day you're stepping further into what you're here to create.
Hey, if you enjoyed today’s show, you do not want to miss next week’s. Seriously. Follow the show wherever you listen to your podcast so you don’t miss an episode. And would you please, leave a super quick rating and review about this episode?
It’s how you’ll let me know what you liked and what you’re still curious about, so that I can create the most valuable content for you, going forward. As well as you’ll help other highly driven but slightly uncertain entrepreneurs find this show, and get the tools they need. Thank you so much.
Thanks for joining us here at The Uncommon Way. If you want more tips and resources for developing clarity in your business and life, including the Clarity for Strategy for Growing and Scaling Your Business, visit TheUncommonWay.com. See you next time.
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