Ep 139: The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing and How to Break Free w/ Lisa Stryker & Lauren Dito
Episode Summary
How much of your business success (or struggle) is actually tied to the fear of being judged?
The biggest growth hack isn’t another marketing strategy—it’s freeing yourself from the need to fit in. In this episode, Jenna Harrison sits down with two of her clients, Lisa Stryker and Lauren Dito, to uncover the sneaky ways people-pleasing and seeking external validation show up and undermine your results—and how to finally break free from them.
In this episode, you will:
Discover how letting go of people-pleasing and external validation can unlock a new level of personal power, confidence, and business success.
Uncover why overanalyzing and second-guessing yourself is stalling your growth—and the mindset shift that finally breaks the cycle.
Learn the simple yet powerful messaging tweak that helped my client attract more of the right clients—without working harder or changing her offer.
Press play now and get the tools to stop second-guessing yourself and start making bold, aligned moves with confidence.
Schedule a call with Jenna about joining the Clarity Accelerator--the same mastermind that we talk about in this episode--to dial in signature offers and strategies and a first-rate mindset.
https://www.theuncommonway.com/schedule
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This podcast dives into the challenges of leadership, decision making, and delegation, helping women business owners and mompreneurs overcome overwhelm, decision fatigue, and the guilt of working less. Learn to build powerful habits, embrace smarter working, and master time management by streamlining tasks, implementing business systems, and even prioritising self-care. We explore efficiency, productivity, and automation to create passive income, reduce overworking, and finally take time off—without the fear or shame. Say goodbye to imposter syndrome and people pleasing while running a small business: It's time to shift your mindset, reclaim your work-life balance, and thrive!
Full Episode Transcript:
Jenna Harrison: [00:00:00] Getting real. Does your desire to be accepted or approved of change what you say and do? Then that's definitely impacting your growth potential and causing you extra work. A couple of my clients are here to share their stories and what it takes to leave that behind. Welcome, welcome back to the Uncommon Way.
For the first time ever, I am joined by two of my clients at once for a roundtable. Because every single human on the planet can relate to the tug of war between being yourself And wanting to be appreciated and validated by others. Now, it's natural to want that, but it becomes a problem when you step back and you see how it's impacting your business.
For many women, this alone is the root of their overwork, but it can show up differently for different people. That's why I wanted to give you two unique perspectives from women who have recently worked through this for themselves. [00:01:00] So, in this episode, you will discover how letting go of people pleasing and external validation can unlock a new level of personal power and confidence and business success.
You'll uncover why overanalyzing and second guessing yourself is stalling your growth. And the mindset shift that finally breaks the cycle. And you'll learn the simple yet powerful messaging tweak that helped my client attract more of the right clients without working harder or changing her offer. So let's dive into this powerful episode.
You're listening to the Uncommon Way business and life coaching podcast, the podcast that helps women entrepreneurs get clear on signature offers and strategies. That's sell themselves so you can lean back and stop the hustle. You will learn to maximize your mindset, messaging, and strategy, and step into the uncommonly successful business and life you are [00:02:00] creating.
Here's your host, top ranked business coach and reformed over analyzer turned queen of clarity, Jenna Harrison.
All right. So thank you both so much for coming on. Thank you for having us. Oh,
Lisa Stryke: thanks for having us. So looking forward to this.
Jenna Harrison: So we started, we've been talking kind of individually and then in groups just about how powerful it is to let go of the need to care what others think or to people please or to be liked by others and just to really finally let that all go and just do you really.
And Thank you. This is such an important topic. I know so many women were just so caught up in it. But the reason I wanted to bring it here is because so often if we do want to create a three day workweek or we do want to break through to our next level in business, we're not quite sure what are the levers, what are the things that we really need to [00:03:00] work on.
And sometimes it's this. And so I thought there's no better way to really show how that all works. How would this potentially impact our business revenue or the time that we're working unless we all talk about our real stories of how we've noticed things were showing up and how our business has changed now that they're not.
So here you both are so generous for joining us. Why don't we just really quickly introduce you to the audience, even though you've both been on the podcast before, but let's see, Lisa, you want to start?
Lisa Stryke: Sure. Yeah. I'm Lisa Stryker and I'm a career advancement coach for leaders. I help leaders get out of their own way so they can lead with and make a difference the way they want to.
Lauren Portland: Thank you. Lauren? My name is Lauren Ditto. I am a Portland based residential and commercial interior designer, and my goal always is just [00:04:00] to allow my clients to let go of their stress and pursue interior design in like a really organized and cohesive way, all the way to their most beautiful space.
Sounds so good. Sounds so
Lisa Stryke: peaceful. It
Jenna Harrison: does. Yeah. That's the goal. That's the goal. That's the goal. So good. All right. So, I was thinking it'd be fun if we kind of jumped right in the middle. You know, who is like Aaron Sorkin? Who's that playwright who always starts, or that script writer who always starts right in the middle of the action?
Yeah. Let's do it. Let's start right at the moment where you realized, kind of had this awareness that you weren't going to do it anymore. Because I think a lot of us have awareness for a while that we're doing it or that we're holding back because of what these imaginary figures might say or these real people might say, but then there's kind of this moment where you're just like, mm, mm mm, no more.
Lauren Portland: Yep. Lisa, do you want to start or do you [00:05:00] want me to?
Lisa Stryke: I'll let you jump in. I think you have a juicy story at the ready. Go right ahead.
Lauren Portland: Yeah. I was on vacation and I had gone through, I call it like a winter in like my season of friendships where like I had been ghosted and I had a really good friend who kind of dropped me and I was experiencing some struggles in like connecting to potential clients and it all just felt.
There was an invisible wall and no matter what I did, I just kept running up against it. Sometimes face first. That's how walls work. And I was on vacation and I had a little bit of time to myself. I have two small kids, so that was rare. And I realized that I Which is like taking every setback, every criticism, even subtle sign that somebody was unhappy with me personally or professionally [00:06:00] as like a personal failure.
And it really created this cycle of me not feeling confident in my interactions. And then having that reaction, that tepid or that kind of ghosting reaction as like a confirmation that I wasn't worthy of that relationship or of my job, it really manifested in so many ways. And I had this moment where I was like, I am handing over all of my personal power to other people and hoping against hope that they will turn around and hand it back to me.
And that's really all I was doing was having this experience of being like, will you like me please? And handing them my power and then them being like, what do I do with this? Stuff that you've given me and like dropping it on the ground and walking away and fair because why would I hand somebody my power?
[00:07:00] Right? Why would I hand somebody my vulnerability at the beginning of a relationship? And so I realized I was manifesting a lot of like lack of trust in myself and hoping that there were other people who could really validate me professionally and personally. And it was kind of an inflection point for me in that I was like, I don't want to do this anymore, but it really transitioned into like an on ramp.
Like I started to notice where I was having those moments and when I would catch myself in the middle of them, I would like stop and pause and back up and really like reassess how I wanted to behave in those moments. And I started to really reflect on them afterward and not reflect on them in a way that Oh, what could I have done differently?
I'm such a failure, but like reflect on them and like, how could I have come into that interaction more confidently, more empathetically, more myself so that as I move forward, I can be [00:08:00] exactly who I am, be my best self and show people that I'm interacting with. This is who I am, and this is the kind of value that I bring to every relationship.
Jenna Harrison: So good, because I was reflecting on all of the learning and all of the conditioning that goes into creating these habits that we have, right? And then we finally have these moments where we realize we've been doing it, but you had a background in a very male dominated field. And so part of this is also your survival was fitting in and was being accepted and was being one of the team, I'm sure.
So. I don't want to
Lauren Portland: like make assumptions, but it's true and like we talked briefly about how women especially are often conditioned from a very young age to fit in. And in reality, I was the opposite. My parents were like liberals in the middle of Oklahoma. Like I was never going to fit in. It was fine.
Nobody cared. Nobody in my family cared. [00:09:00] Everybody was weird and that was glorious. So I didn't. really feel that pressure to fit in or to like sit down and shut up until I was in my 20s and I had a boss who was male, and I was one of three women in a technical capacity. I was working as an engineer in aerospace and there was a lot of sit down and shut up.
There was a lot of blonde jokes. There was a lot of sexual harassment to be perfectly honest. And it became increasingly intense pressure and like this. really high level of demoralization. And the reason that I ended up quitting engineering was partially that and partially because I realized that who I had to be to do that job was not somebody that I liked or wanted to be.
And so there were
Jenna Harrison: already the seeds back then of your, of your movement. Lisa, what did you notice in [00:10:00] corporate when you were in corporate?
Lisa Stryke: Oh, my gosh. Well, I was sitting here listening to Lauren's story and realizing I've had several pivotal moments. It hasn't been just one big epiphany, but one of them actually was absolutely incorporate where I was.
The leader of a high profile team. I was in a fortune 150 running their first social media, managing their first social media team. So it was very high visibility, lots of pressure, lots of newness in a very old company, male dominated, same thing. And I really put my heart and soul into that job. And I was inherited by a new manager and he and I really did see eye to eye.
And, like Lauren, took it on as there's something wrong with me, what am I doing wrong here? It was always, what can I do to fix this? What have I done to create this? I didn't take a lot of consideration into that this was a two person [00:11:00] relationship until a little ways in when it started to become very, very uncomfortable.
And eventually I got laid off from that job. And I don't think that's a coincidence and that's okay. But the biggest impact that had on me was I realized after The job was taken that just brought full front and center to me that I had really relied on that title, that position, that role in that big company to define me.
And when it was taken away, it felt a little like a house of cards. I was working with someone I didn't even really enjoy working with, right? I was really giving my all. There was so much to learn from it, but yet, immediately following that experience, all I could think was, I blew it. You know, they don't see any value in me.
I'm not valuable. I messed it up. I failed. And there was just not a lot left for me to stand on. And it really, really opened my eyes after the [00:12:00] initial, you know, it's a gut punch. And for me, it took some time to of course recover. But as I started to recover, I felt a little like the Phoenix rising. I was like, wait a minute.
I could rise in a ball of fire here after feeling so defeated. If I could just remember to focus on what I think of me, I was relying so much on what how everyone else saw me, I kept forgetting to consider what do I think of me? Yeah. And that was a real eye opener.
Jenna Harrison: So how did that show up in your business when you became an entrepreneur later on?
Lisa Stryke: Oh, yeah, so it's so interesting, Jenna, and you know this, I thought I had it beat, right? Oh, I've overcome the layoff, the house of cards was put together into this castle of steel and then I very bravely quit another job that I loved and [00:13:00] started my own business and oh, yeah, then all the chinks in the armor started to show and it was back.
It's kind of sneaky, you don't even realize. how much you're relying on other people's opinions because of the ways it shows up. And for me, it was, oh, you know, what if people don't like my message? What if that they criticize the way I look in that video? You know, I didn't even articulate it to myself that way at first.
I just felt very frustrated. Like I was getting in my own way and I couldn't figure out why.
Jenna Harrison: And it was
Lisa Stryke: thoughtful about what are people going to think?
Jenna Harrison: Yeah. Specifically for you, I remember you have such great IP, intellectual property. You have such great ways of explaining things and concepts that you think of, but you wouldn't share those because what if someone else had said it before or what if you were just regurgitating information?
What if someone else could say it? Better, well I don't know if that last one were you, but there was definitely a holding back [00:14:00] in sharing what you knew to be true. Because of how people would be able to fact check it or evaluate it or, right? Do you remember those? Yeah, like
Lisa Stryke: who was I to be sharing this?
Oh, yeah, because for decades, I've been obsessed with personal development, human behavior. I've read all the books. I've researched all the things. But I'm not a researcher, you know, and I kept telling myself, well, you're not coming up with something new like Brene Brown, so who are you to share this? And it's taken me, and still, it's still something I have to work on, it's taken me quite some time to recognize that some people need to hear it from me.
I don't have to be reinventing the wheel, but I'm very effective at helping the people that I help, and that was just another way. being liked and being approved of was showing up in that sneaky Underhanded backdoor way that it tends to
Jenna Harrison: yes. So what was your big breakthrough moment? [00:15:00] Was it wicked? Oh, that was wicked.
Lisa Stryke: Oh, yeah, that's a great story. Thank you for reminding me of that. Well, so one of the Challenges for me is, I was brought up to not express my strong emotions and so that has stopped me up, I'll say, as a, it's like entrepreneurial constipation. We went there, y'all. Yeah, there are a lot of emotions. There are a lot of emotions when it's one of the biggest, most challenging personal development journeys you can go on.
And so when my work with you, Jenna, and over time, I've learned to follow my instincts more, and something kept telling me to go see Wicked. So I took myself to the movies. I didn't even know why. I didn't question it. enjoyed the movie, really loved the closing scene where she's just defying gravity. It moved me so much.
I listened to the soundtrack all the way home [00:16:00] until I suddenly found myself in a rage, a full on rage. Like I was yelling like a nutcase in the car. If anyone could have seen or heard me, probably people did. They were worried about my Stability. But you don't
Jenna Harrison: care anymore. But I didn't
Lisa Stryke: care. I didn't care.
I was like, I don't care. This is coming out of me and really what it was, was that an emotional release of the feeling of being held back by what I was worried people were thinking about me. That's really what it was. It was like the culmination of 50 plus years of trying to twist myself in a pretzel and be palatable.
Jenna Harrison: Yeah, because that's what the Elphaba song is about in that movie is that she's been trying to play someone else's game that she's not going to win and she's finally ready to be herself and really unleash her power. I mean, it's a great scene. For anyone who hasn't seen it.
Lisa Stryke: It changed my life in ways I [00:17:00] couldn't have expected.
Lauren Portland: Yes. I love that you had like an emotional detox. Like all of a sudden it all came out. It was so good. It was so good. It was like I needed a glass of wine after.
Lisa Stryke: The best part is that after you learned to just allow those big emotions when it's time because it's like a purging. Then you, it releases something in you that I didn't realize I was feeling on the daily.
That kind of undercurrent of anger that I couldn't express.
Jenna Harrison: And I have that recording because you left me a recording right away and it is so raw. It was pure power, though. Like, I'd never heard you speak so forcefully. Like, there was so much power just flowing through you. It was like, whoo! I get shivers even thinking about it.
But you were like, I'm done. I am done. I am not doing this anymore. It really felt that way.
Lisa Stryke: Yes. It's not the first time, but it was [00:18:00] definitely the most power. It felt like an eruption. Yes. It just kind of boils over after a while. You get sick of it.
Jenna Harrison: Well, and that's what you and I reflected on, Lisa, is that, Lauren, you may not be able to, especially if you grew up with great liberal parents and you're younger than Lisa and I.
I have a different perspective, but I'm so like curious. Okay. I mean, Lisa and I have very vivid memories of being young women, young girls. And what was expected of us and how we were trained for all of our thoughts to constantly be monitoring the room and making sure that we were pleasing everybody around us.
Oh my gosh.
Lisa Stryke: It is, looking at it now, reflecting back, it is almost bizarre, like how well conditioned you can become.
Jenna Harrison: Yes.
Lisa Stryke: And it's the water you're swimming in. And I call it my finely tuned antenna. You know, I'm like always boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, trying to figure out, is everybody okay? [00:19:00] Is anybody mad at me?
I don't want to disappoint anyone. And what you don't realize is it is so exhausting. And this is so important. You don't know who you are because you're never asking yourself, what do I think? What do I want? You're so busy focusing on what you think everyone else. wants or needs or what they actually are expressing that you forget to ask yourself.
And I've had to make some really big life decisions. And that was another kind of pivot point for me when I realized I don't even know what my own opinion is.
Jenna Harrison: Oh, that's so huge. Yeah. I remember you talking about how like, You had done everything you were expected to do. You went to the school and you got married at this age and you had the family and you had the two point however many kids and right?
It's actually two. But I remember. Actually three. No, all three. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I was off on that. But there used to be a statistic. Do you remember? For like 2. 1? [00:20:00] Yes. Average or something. Yes. So you did all the things and you did all the things you were supposed to do and really hadn't questioned it until later and you're like, I don't remember how you described it.
I'm thinking of it as a river. Like that's just the way the river was going and you just had
Lisa Stryke: to go with the river. I was like a jellyfish on the tide. That's how I think about it. It's like, I'm just going to go wherever life takes, you know, I'm the good girl. That's how I thought of it. I get the good grades and I have the nice family.
Um, we all look nice going to church and all the things, but it's all a facade.
Jenna Harrison: Yeah. And when I grew up, my dad was in the military, I've told this story before, but they would get a report each, I don't know, every six months or so talking about their career progress. But on that report, It was listed how well his wife was contributing to volunteer duties and how well behaved his children were.
Isn't that amazing? Isn't that amazing? [00:21:00] It is amazing. There are many opinions about
Lisa Stryke: that. Yes. We could do a whole second podcast on this.
Jenna Harrison: Yeah. Actually, I was just watching. Have you all been watching Zero Day with Robert Watergold? I haven't watched it yet.
Lisa Stryke: But it is on the list.
Jenna Harrison: There's a line in there where the man says, like, one of the men is saying about the president, whose daughter's a congresswoman and does not agree with him, or he's the ex president, but the man says, I mean, obviously he can't be a good leader because he can't even control his family.
Look at what his daughter's doing. And I have a feeling nowadays, younger women watching that would be like, Ha ha, isn't that some weird old thing to say? That used to be how it was. Oh no, that's real. That's real. Oh yeah, I
Lisa Stryke: feel that. I feel that. Like, I feel 12 years old again. Like, I have to be good. I don't want to ruffle any feathers.
I want everybody to tell me how good and well behaved I am. Oh my gosh.
Jenna Harrison: Yeah. I mean, your family security [00:22:00] depends, you know, the breadwinner's livelihood depends on how well you have demonstrated his leadership.
Lisa Stryke: Oh, what's so bananas about that? What's so bananas about that is that we can't control other people, you know, like, so in other words, are you saying you have to rule with an iron fist, right?
Because really the only way you could try to control his butt through fear, right? So there's so much there, but I just shudder to think about how I fell in line.
Lauren Portland: Yeah, I had a different experience because I didn't have those parents and the child thing, like, it makes me laugh to think about how much older generations than us considered children to not be human beings, like, with their own autonomy.
I have an almost four and a five and a half year old. And they would run the world if they could. They would. Yeah, wait till they're in their 20s and 30s. Oh, I'm not ready for that. I need them to [00:23:00] still love mama for a little while longer. But I didn't grow up with that. My parents were very supportive. I did not wear dresses.
I played in the dirt and my dad taught me how to punch when I was 12. Like, I did not have to be the girly girl or the one who stood in line, but my parents died when I was very young. My mom died when I was 25, my dad died, and two weeks later I found out I was pregnant with my oldest. So I didn't get the experience of parental expectation and or support as really a fully formed adult.
So I come from this perspective of like really leaning on other people's opinions because the people whose opinions I had leaned on to validate me were not there. And so then I had to go back and for any of you who have lost somebody who's important in your life, Especially those people who are like, you are people who understand you and really understand where you're coming from in any given situation.
The idea [00:24:00] of having to learn how to reparent yourself is really daunting. And that's what I ended up having to do. And that's so much of what I have to do moving forward in these situations is not so much overcoming my rage at being told to conform, but actually caring for myself in the way that a parent would care for a child.
And Jenna and I talk about how. Many people live inside my head. There are a lot of them. There are many many facets of my personality that live inside my head and one of them is the parent and I don't think I Really understood how valuable that was to me until I was a parent and I realized how kindly parents Often talk to their children and then I reflected on the inner voice that inner critic that I had who was talking to me so meanly in a way that my parents would never have talked to me, in a way that I would never talk to another person.
And I was able to kind of create this comparison between how I talked to my children and how I was talking to myself. And a [00:25:00] big part of some of this change in behavior was when I was having those moments of self criticism and self doubt and thinking that I was a failure at everything. I didn't lean into, you're fooling yourself, that's not really true, or anything that was really factual.
I leaned into almost like gentle parenting where it's like, it sounds like you're having a really hard time. Why don't we talk about it? It sounds like you're feeling really down right now, but you know, there are people who love you. Here are the people that love you. you are really good at your job.
Here's how you know you're really good at your job. And I had to like relearn how to teach myself to be a human BA, like a valuable, wonderful human BA. And it was such a shift in perspective for me because when you have those really supportive parents who are like, yeah, go do engineering. Oh, you're doing interior design.
Okay, cool. Go do that too. When you have parents who really like you for who you are and think that [00:26:00] you should be liked for who you are, then. They're gone. All of a sudden, who's there to validate that you are actually a likable, wonderful, lovable, professional, capable of going out and kicking ass in the world?
It has to be you. It can't be my husband. God bless him. He's amazing. But he doesn't have those same neural pathways in my brain. I don't know. Like, he just doesn't have the same key. And so it has to be me. I can get that from really close friends. I have friends that I've had for 20 years who know all of my foibles and hang ups, and yes, they offer me that support, but it has to be me.
And I think that was really the realization was that I had the power to validate and care for myself in the way that I needed to make me feel like a valuable person.
Lisa Stryke: I think that's really true for all of us.
Lauren Portland: I agree. I
Lisa Stryke: was just gonna say, so my heart goes out to you to lose your parents so young and [00:27:00] eventually as adults, I think it's so important for us all to embrace that idea that we are responsible for validating ourselves because if we don't, it's a very precarious place to be.
Lauren Portland: Yeah. Agreed.
Lisa Stryke: Relying so much on things that are way out of your control, whether or not someone else is going to validate you.
Lauren Portland: Yeah. It is that house of cards, like you were talking about, right? In the corporate world, like you're reliant on all of these external things. And if you can find a way, find the tools, and that's really a lot of the work that I've done with you, Jenna, is like finding the tools that help me build a really firm foundation that doesn't rely on somebody else's approval.
That's right.
Lisa Stryke: Exactly. And that's what lets you go out and do big things in the world. I'm a big fan of cooking competition shows and so many times my heart just breaks for these people who are in their 30s, 40s, 50s and [00:28:00] older still saying I just want to make my parents proud. And while I understand that, I also think, what about you?
Like, isn't it enough for you to feel proud? Can that just be enough? And it just tells me a lot about the state of adults in the world. And we are not alone. I guess that's what I'm saying.
Jenna Harrison: No. Oh, that is really powerful. So let's get really tactile and talk about what changes when we change in this way.
In the way, like, if we can really drill down into, I'm about to write a post and I find myself thinking X, or I walk into a room. I don't know, like, let's go, if we were flies on the wall and we could really see what changes in the business, what comes up for you?
Lisa Stryke: The first thing that comes to my mind that is, has been so powerful in my life is, as I've [00:29:00] done the work to feel just fine about myself, like, I don't even say, I love myself because that's almost like the opposite and still puts a lot of work into it.
I want to get to the place where I don't have to think about myself that much. It's like, I'm fine. Let me just go out and do my thing. And so getting to that place, the closer I get to that place, the more I can think about other people in a way of contributing and adding value. So when I sit down to write a post, I think someone's going to read this today.
It could change their entire perspective. Or I walk into an event or where there's people, I'm going to meet people. I think, how can I make them feel more comfortable? How can I make someone laugh? How can I make a connection that, where someone remembers our conversation? In other words, I'm not thinking about me and there's so much freedom in that.
Jenna Harrison: Yes, this is so huge. Well, and even time freedom, Lisa, right? Because then we [00:30:00] use our brain time and space to be thinking about how to game it out and how to make it right. But oh my gosh, I love this idea about the post because so often we're told focus on your clients, think about your clients. But it is.
Basically impossible to do that when you're in this place of if you think of Maslow's hierarchy like you need to survive and fit in and so your brain always goes to. But if I say this, will I suffer the backlash? Like, will I suffer the ridicule or, you know, if I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing?
And like you say, it's so sneaky. Very few of us at this point are really telling ourselves. Like, Oh, I can't post because I'm so afraid, but we doctor little words here and there, right? We change a little sentences and it seems so innocent. We
Lisa Stryke: water it
Jenna Harrison: down. And so what we're not doing, if we think about what that creates for our results, then [00:31:00] we're just not going full out and we're not letting people connect with us.
They're connecting with us. That's exactly right. It blocks connection.
Lisa Stryke: It blocks connection. I call it having your own back. And I have actively learned how to basically comfort myself, like, everything's fine. You're going to be fine. If you meet someone today, great. If you don't, that's okay. If this post gets great attention or negative attention, no matter what, you're fine.
You're going to be fine. You have to get to that place where you're just not thinking about yourself so much. I mean, that's really what it comes down to.
Lauren Portland: Lauren, how do you
Lisa Stryke: see it?
Lauren Portland: I think that's such a fantastic way of thinking about it, and also a way of like getting out of your own head, which I think people who are really struggling with what we're talking about, so often you find yourself overanalyzing, overthinking, and you're stuck inside of your own head, and what an awesome way of being like, I don't need to be in here, like let's go be out in the world.
[00:32:00] That's fantastic. And it
Lisa Stryke: feels
Lauren Portland: so much better. Uh, yes, I totally see that. I have some of that and I'm actually like in the middle of this period of time where I'm like actively trying to just be present in whatever moment I'm in, which is kind of the same. It's like, just go be out in the world. But when I do find myself really struggling and sometimes it's with like deliverables for a client where I'm like, this has taken too long and now they're going to be bad or like this just look right and they're going to be upset.
Like I always assume that my clients who are incredible, kind and wonderful people. are going to have these like explosive reactions. I don't know why. I've never had a client freak out on me. But sometimes I'm just sure of it. And sometimes I'm just like, you know what? Even if that happens, you can learn something from it.
Even if the worst thing in the world happens, you can take something positive out of it. So we're just going to do This is the best you can do in this moment. [00:33:00] We're gonna call this closed. We're gonna put it out there. And if it happens that like all of your worst expectations come to fruition and somehow your post creates a tsunami of hate, You're still going to learn something from it.
And that has really been my refrain. I was like, even if I mess it up, even if I do it badly, I can learn something and move forward. And that has helped a lot. Which is such a winning mindset.
Lisa Stryke: Absolutely.
Lauren Portland: Lauren, would you share your grandma's story? Her refrain. Oh, my grandma was a badass. My grandmother looked like Mrs.
Claus, just to preface where we're at with the situation. Big ol curly halo. And was one of the most irreverent human beings I've ever met. It was my favorite thing about her. And she, you know, if there was anything shocking, because she was from Oklahoma, she would call me darling. If there was anything shocking to her sensibility, she would be like, well, it's okay, I went to art school.
But her way [00:34:00] of living life was it's either a really great time or it's a really great story. Sometimes it's both. But I'm either going to have a good time or a good story after this, and that's all that matters. And she would tell stories that I swear to God every other family hides in the back of their closets.
Oh no. No, no. She was pulling them out and she was showing them to you and she'd start giggling in the middle of them.
Jenna Harrison: There you go. See, you have it in your blood, Lauren. Yeah, that's right. I mean.
Lauren Portland: Share away. I mean, I do. So I feel like so many people have those stories and they're embarrassed to tell them.
So, you know, I'll go first. It's fine.
Jenna Harrison: Yeah. Yeah. I thought I remembered stories. Haven't you felt a shift when you go into vendor rooms now as well, since you've had this trip, like a different view there. Talk about that.
Lauren Portland: So I go into showrooms and. A lot of what happened when we were, I was in [00:35:00] Bogota was very much around like, I have a rather unconventional way of dressing and that's what makes me feel good.
It's what I enjoy. I like big jewelry and loud clothes and it's fine. And I always felt because of the overall environment that I'm in that like I should dress more conservatively. And after Bogota I was like, you know what? I'm just going to do what I'm going to do. I'm going to wear what I want to wear, and I'm going to feel good in it, and I'm going to move on with my day.
And going into vendors and subcontractors, and a lot of times I'm, I'm in construction, so I'm talking to contractors on site, and I'm wearing these like, bright, paint splattered looking pants. And I definitely get some side eye, but I'm like, I'm the artist in the room here, y'all. You're just not going to have to deal with it.
You're going to have to deal with it. And people have actually been kinder and more respectful and more fun to talk to since I have just [00:36:00] kind of made these adjustments
Lisa Stryke: than they
Lauren Portland: were before. Oh, love it. And like I've been able to meet them in this
Jenna Harrison: great place. All the inner work pays off. Yeah. You start seeing completely different things reflected back at you.
Yeah. Wow. I love that.
Lauren Portland: It's really been great. Like the growth. That I have experienced personally, like professionally, yes. And the professional of course is so much of why we're here, but like the personal growth that has created the foundation for the professional success is incredible. And I know that it will continue to stand me in good stead forever.
And that's, Yes,
Jenna Harrison: that's the kind of thing sometimes in coaching we joke about when we're afraid to charge a certain amount to our clients. And then we go forward and we think, okay, now imagine that you help them get these results in their life. They're feeling different now. Would they pay that money with, if you could give them that [00:37:00] money back, would they choose to go back all the time?
We're like, Oh hell no, I spent a fortune on my coaching and my development. I would never. They could pay me. Five times, ten times that, I still would not go back to how it used to be in my head.
Lauren Portland: I had a conversation with somebody yesterday and I was, they were like, really coaching? And I was like, listen.
The growth that I have experienced in the last 18 months is greater than what I experienced in the previous five years, and also greater than what I could accomplish by myself. I think almost no matter how much time happened. Like there's something about having a wise person who can see inside of your head because you are kind of like a ninja, Jenna, like I don't understand it always.
Like she says things to me and I'm like, why do you have to say things that are true? And to have somebody be like, but wait, [00:38:00] what about this thing? And you're like, I guess I'm going to have to work on that. It makes such a huge difference. And there's nothing really like it. That you can do by yourself or on your own.
We all need a coach.
Lisa Stryke: Lisa. Oh, yeah. Lisa's a coach. A hundred percent agree with that. Yeah, we can't see our own blind spots. We just can't. I mean, that's just the way the human brain is designed. Yeah. Yeah. Silly brain. Yeah. Silly and amazing. Like, it's pretty marvelous too, in a lot of ways, but yes, it really can trip us up because it doesn't come with an operating manual and our culture and society doesn't teach us how this thing is working.
And with all of the way that. Technology and culture and everything is advancing so quickly. I'm a brain research person. Our evolution has not kept up. So our education has to meet us where we are right now and help us understand what's at play. And this is really at play worrying. It's a natural thing to worry about what [00:39:00] other people think.
And then it's conditioned into us in so many ways. And then we condition ourselves. And if you're not on the lookout for it, it will hold you back in a thousand ways that you just don't even realize. Well said.
Lauren Portland: Final thoughts, Lauren? I think that really when it comes to letting go of other people's opinions, there's no perfect way to do it.
There's no pill that you can take that fixes it. We are evolutionarily programmed. to seek approval from others. But I think that we can using thought exercises, using our own sense of logic and using help from people like you, Jenna, we can find a way to intake people's opinions and keep what's worthwhile and meaningful and let go of the rest and then find a way to build community around us that supports who we want to be and where we want to go.[00:40:00]
And I think that's really the work.
Jenna Harrison: Yes, yes. Changing internal and external voices. I love that because I believe in it so much too. We need to build better groups of Yes, community. So important. Lisa, do you have final thoughts? Anything we I know
Lisa Stryke: that there's a lot of talk out there of like, just don't care what other people think.
You know, stop caring what other people think. And I just think that's nonsense. So of course you care what other people think. I don't even think it's good if you don't care what other people think. Just look at what you think first. And then start considering the impact or the input or the opinions of others.
If you keep going back to that, you'll retrain yourself to really understand who you are, what you stand for, and who you want to be in this world. And other people's opinions won't have as much power over you.
Lauren Portland: Lisa, you mentioned [00:41:00] check in with yourself first. And I just want to add on to that, if you can start to build trust with yourself.
Build faith in yourself and your opinions and your value, then it becomes a lot easier to check in with and trust yourself first before listening to the opinions of others. And I think it's that self trust that is so valuable.
Lisa Stryke: Well the thing is, the only way to do that is to start making your own decisions and living through it, right?
So yes, it's like a virtuous cycle. Listen to yourself, even if you're not sure, go with it, and then the confidence and the trust it builds. Every bit of growth we encounter requires some courage. And that does too, where you have to have the courage to just say, you know what, I'm going to go with what I think this time, and I'm going to have my own back no matter what.
Awesome.
Jenna Harrison: And that drives some people crazy. They're like, [00:42:00] tell me what to do. I think I was one of those, in fact. We all are. Oh, I've
Lisa Stryke: definitely been that person. We all are. I probably still am. Tell me how to fix it. Sometimes, yeah.
Jenna Harrison: Yeah. I think it's like some measurement compared to how high we believe the stakes are.
Right. Oh, I believe that. So it's really, we need to up our game over time in terms of the kinds of decisions we're willing to make.
Lisa Stryke: Do you know what's so interesting? I was just listening to a podcast with a Secret Service agent who's a human behavior specialist, of course, right? She interrogated some of the biggest criminal minds in the world.
And she said, the more important this decision, the more you should go inward for the answer. I agree. And that struck me and I thought, because I think the same thing, the more important the decision, the more others, I need to find out what do you think, what do you think, what do you think? And she said, it's just the opposite.
And I believe that.
Jenna Harrison: That's awesome. That is awesome. Ladies, thank you so much [00:43:00] for coming, talking, sharing vulnerably, openly, and yeah, letting us all have such a great laugh with our own journey.
Lisa Stryke: If you're not laughing, what are we doing here? We might as well have fun on this journey. But thanks for having me.
This is so fun.
Lauren Portland: Thank you so much.
Jenna Harrison: Thanks for joining us here at the uncommon way. If you want more tips and resources for developing clarity in your business in life, including the clarity first strategy for growing and scaling your business, visit the uncommon way. com. See you next time.
