Keep up with projects when you’re just too busy (Or, ‘How to maintain your business when you’re buying and selling a house while moving cross-country and six months pregnant’)

Does it ever feel like you’re just too busy to work? Or move forward with that dream project? Or spend time with your family or partner? Or exercise…?

Life happens. I get it.

I’ve been having one of those months myself:

We had houseguests. We packed up all of our worldly possessions and headed out on a cross-country move after a vacation week on the gorgeous, sunny coast of Maine.

Overlooking a schooner race in Portland, Maine

We worked on buying one house and selling another (in that order). I juggled restless nights with an ever-increasing belly. And perhaps the most upheaval of all: we air-freighted our fur-baby Skye off to Grandma’s so that she wouldn’t have to endure the road trip and dislocation. (She survived just fine and now is being pampered beyond belief.)

It’s been the kind of season where you’re so busy focusing on the urgent that it’s almost impossible to spend time on the important.

Deadlines get delayed, projects get scaled back, things get put on hold. It happens to the best of us, right? No shame.

So what’s the problem?

The problem arises when people try to burn the candle at both ends for too long and then burn out – or worse – they feel so upset over the difference between what they expect they should be doing and what they’re actually doing that they decide to stop completely.

You know, "I’ll just take a little hiatus until things settle down…"

But once you lose momentum, it can be really hard to resume.

Months go by. Sometimes, years.

And there’s not a lot of incentive to start up again, because last time it wasn’t sustainable. Why invest the time and then deal with feelings of inadequacy and disappointment?

What to do instead 

Here’s what to do instead: Do NOT put your projects on hold.

Instead, scale back.

Your ideas and goals are important. (If you don’t believe that, who will?)

And anything that’s important is worth your commitment and continuity.

Lots of us take an all-or-nothing approach. Don’t be that person. Be the person who makes it to the finish line even if it means slow, steady and persistent.

Next week I’ll share how you can do exactly that, even if you’re up to your eyeballs with a million competing priorities.

Here’s to keeping the ball moving no matter what,

Jenna

Skye, playing hide and seek with Grandma

1 simple strategy for creating success

Today's post was written by health coach Carol Egan. Although geared towards wellness, the strategy she outlines applies to anything in life. I thought it was so well written that I asked for permission to reprint it here. It was originally posted at Carol-Egan.com under the title, "1 Super Simple Strategy to Look and Feel Amazing." Enjoy!

You want to lose weight. You want to ditch sugar cravings. You want to get to look and feel amazing — and your tired of the yo-yo get-healthy struggle with no lasting success.

What do Michael Jordan and Muhammad Ali have in common with Jim Carrey, Oprah Winfrey and Jack Canfield in creating success? ONE simple strategy. 

Affirmations.

All used affirmations to create success! Why would we not use affirmations in our get-healthy goal setting? Makes no sense not to, right? 

You’ve likely heard Muhammad Ali’s signature affirmation in his “I am the Greatest” speech:

Maybe you’ve heard Michael Jordon say, “If you quit ONCE it becomes a habit. Never quit!!!”

But do you know that Jim Carrey used affirmations to obtain work and make a name for himself as he struggled to become an actor, to then garner his first 10 million dollar role in Dumb and Dumber? 

Or that Oprah Winfrey used affirmations as she rose from poverty and being told no over and over as a black woman in a largely white male dominated profession, to hosting the highest-rated television program of its kind in history?

How about Jack Canfield, co-creator of the “Chicken Soup For The Soul” series?

He used affirmations to keep him going, though ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY publishers rejected his book idea on after another, before he found one publishing house to print his manuscript.

Without affirmations, without believing in themselves and all that they knew they were capable of achieving, how could Muhammad Ali, Michael Jordan, Jim Carrey, Oprah Winfrey, or Jack Canfield and so many others have created success in the face of years of seeming failure and rejection?

So WHY on earth would YOU not use affirmations to achieve your get-healthy goals, when you now know they’re effective? I mean, c’mon, they literally work! Actually, why would any of us not capitalize on any strategy that is super easy, like affirmations in any area of life, especially in the get-healthy game that leaves so many often without lasting results! 

The purpose of an affirmation is to push the edges of what you think is possible.

But if you don’t think it’s possible for you to look and feel better than you ever have, OR if you believe that “you’re too old,” “too busy,” “too tired,” or worse, some cockamamie limiting thought like “Americans don’t eat like that,” or “my family and friends don’t eat like that,” without affirmations and shifting to a more empowered mindset, your sunk. Doomed. Stuck in thoughts that could keep you at a weight you hate, feeing disempowered, exhausted, addicted to unhealthy food — and looking far less radiant than your best self!

Why not try affirmations? It’s a no-brainer. Right?

But let me let you in on an important insider’s secret, the effectiveness of your affirmation depends on how you FEEL when you say it!

When I help my 1:1 clients create affirmations, we always go by how they FEEL!

Do you feel excited, like, I’m not sure this is possible — I’ve never achieved this before, but I LOVE the whole idea of creating this result, then you’re on the right track!

Does it leave you flat? Unexcited? If yes, it’s likely not the right affirmation for you.

Do you feel indifferent, like it feels good, but it’s not really a stretch for you to achieve? It’s probably not inspiring enough to pull you forward.

I mean, c’mon, if you seriously want to look and feel amazing — IF you really want to lose weight, reverse health damage and INCREASE anti-aging benefits, then you need an affirmation that will pull you into action, pull you forward when everyone is saying, “Lighten up, go with the flow.” (READ: Lighten up, go with the flow = follow me to ruin and demise! Ha! ’Tis  true! Statistics of chronic disease are NO joke today!)

To create your affirmation use the Hammer Approach or the Butterfly Effect.

The Hammer Approach is when you pick one affirmation that you want to deeply integrate into your subconscious and conscious mind. I LOVE this technique. It’s like motivation on steroids because it helps me focus and create solid, tangible results repeatedly.

For example, my current affirmation is, “I am SO pumped to consistently set and achieve meaningful and extraordinary results today!”

This affirmation says it all for me. It’s all encompassing. It covers my commitment to my physical, mental, emotional, Spiritual AND professional goals and needs! I pick affirmations that are expansive, to include all I want to achieve in all areas of life!

It’s the Hammer Approach because you nail down ONE affirmation everyday so it becomes part of your life!

The Butterfly Effect is when you create a new affirmation everyday. I LOVE these too, and include them daily. For example, if you want to practice saying YES to choosing healthy food choices everyday, I say things like:

I am SO pumped that the healthy food choices I make today feel FUN and taste delicious!

I am SO pumped that my skin RADIATES from the healthy food choices I make today!

I am SO pumped by how my clothes just slip right on from the healthy food choices I make!

Remember, when creating an affirmation, you want how it makes you FEEL to guide you!

And it’s not an either or approach! 

You can hammer down one affirmation that you know will help you move closer to achieving your BIG, WILD AND EXCITING health goals everyday, AND you can create daily affirmations that you know could help you on any particular day!

To get started, think about something that you think is flat-out not possible, but something that you flat-out would LOVE to have happen in your life, and create a Hammer Approach affirmation. Repeat that one every day. Then, create a few Butterfly Effect affirmations pertinent to the day, to keep you moving toward you exciting goal!

Let’s try it:

WHAT health goal seems impossible to you, seems to allude you up until now, but would be way cool to achieve?

Create your goal into an affirmation.

Write them out and post them below in the comments section. Let’s power them up together!

Feel stuck? Tell me what you’re thinking, where you think you could be stuck, and let’s move your thoughts in an empowering way about a health matter that’s limiting you.

The brain science of being uncommon

Do suburban tract homes make your skin crawl?

Does it annoy you that so many people tend to do the exact same things, buy the same cars, dress the same way?

Are you a fish swimming against the current?

Deep within us there’s a strong impulse to conform, but it affects some people more than others.

On a good day, it allows us to bond and form tight groups so we can stay safe and content while curbing selfish impulses.

But there’s also a dark side, ranging from extreme examples of conforming to violent or self-destructive groups, to more benign experiences like staying within the lines even when you know you want something different.  

If you’re somebody that prefers to avoid trends rather than follow them, you’re left scratching your head about why others seem so comfortable with conformity and why you’re so different.

Or at least that’s how I felt … and why I’m so fascinated with this topic and the constant tug-of-war between pilot and autopilot that happens within each of us.

Until recently, not much was known about how this all plays out in the brain, but two studies from the past decade have finally shed some light.

Our nonconformity can be observed

In 2009, Dr Vasily Klucharev of the FC Donders Centre for Cognitive Neuroimaging in the Netherlands used fMRI brain scans to show increased activity in specific centers of the brain (the rostral cingulate zone and the ventral striatum) when test subjects decided to conform, and less when they did not.

The subjects were asked to rate the attractiveness of faces seen in photographs, and then they were deliberately encouraged to change their minds based on what the majority of the group thought. 

The researchers expected to see a “prediction error” signal in the brain – which has been witnessed in studies of reinforcement learning and happens when there’s a difference between the outcome you expect and the outcome you witness – and that’s exactly what they saw.

Those that conformed the most had the strongest conflict-related signals. They expected their opinions to be similar to everyone else, and quickly altered their answers (and possibly their opinions) to realign to their expectations.

Our nonconformity can be manipulated 

In 2011, our crusading neuroscientist Dr. Klucharev was back and leading a group from the Radboud University Nijmegen in the Netherlands.

This time, they showed that you can actually manipulate the tendency towards conformity by using Transcranial Electromagnetic Stimulation (TMS) in the posterior medial frontal cortex, an area of the brain associated with reward processing.

Test subjects exposed to the magnetic pulses were less likely to conform when presented with a “face attractiveness” conflict like the kind created in the 2009 study.

The researchers think that by inhibiting this part of the brain, subjects felt less affected by the conflict, allowing them to think and behave differently.

What this means for us

To sum up, Dr. Klucharev is quoted as saying, “Individuals differ in the strength of the error signal – which is why some people are more conformist than others.”

He believes that we can now focus on uncovering “behavioral techniques that modulate activity … without any physical intervention. Hopefully, with help of these, techniques someone would be able to partly immune themselves to ‘group pressure'.”

Figuring out those techniques and using them to fully develop our 'uncommonness' is a huge part of what we're doing here at The Uncommon Way. 

Here's to an inhibited error signal,

Jenna

P.S. What are your favorite techniques for lessening the effects of group pressure? Leave a comment so we all can benefit and discuss!

Why curiosity beats waiting for intuition, inspiration, or complete information

*Do you feel like if you could only figure out what you want to do next in business or life, you’d finally be able to close that gulf between where you are now and where you actually want to be?

Last week I suggested that your best tool for making that happen – even if you have absolutely no idea what you want to do – has been sitting right under your nose.

It’s your curiosity.

This tool is simple and effective! It worked for me and so many others, including Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love. Right when things seemed darkest in her life she decided to sign up for an Italian class, and that one decision eventually led to her writing the bestseller that would change her life forever.

Let me show you why it works:

Both intuition and inspiration are tricky

If life were a Hollywood movie, you’d wait until you had an intuitive hit that told you exactly what you should be doing. It would happen when you were staring out over the ocean, or while reading a passage in a book.

In real life that doesn’t happen very often, especially if what you’re considering is something that feels risky.

Many times what we think is our intuition (telling us to cool our jets) is actually fear (telling us to play it safe).

Sometimes people wait to feel inspired in order to write that great novel or take the next step in their business … but that waiting can go on for decades.

In a crazy twist, the best way to activate your inner motivation and tap into your creativity is to show up regularly for yourself and your dreams.

Just think back to school and how many times you dragged your feet over writing a paper, only to find the words flow once you actually sat down and started writing.

That’s probably why a woman who has inspired thousands of people to launch and grow businesses loves to remind people:

“Clarity comes from engagement, not thought.” – Marie Forleo

What if there were no wrong decisions?

One of the biggest mistakes we make is taking our options too seriously.

We do that because we’re worried about making the wrong decision, and then being locked into that wrong decision forever.

But what if the majority of our decisions weren’t completely right or wrong, they were just different? And each one would teach us what we needed to get us to our final destination faster than if we’d done nothing at all … like two roads that meet at the same intersection.

If that’s true, then 50 years from now you’re going to wish you had lightened up and enjoyed the ride.

Think about it this way: 

You will never have completely perfect information.

And even if you could make the absolutely most “right” decision – if there were such a thing – eventually you’d change course anyway. Whatever it was you had or were doing just wouldn’t completely fit anymore. 

Because that’s what people like us do. We evolve.

You’re missing the bigger picture

Wasting too much time on just one decision is short sighted.

I’m a huge advocate of inner game work and introspection … up to a point. But eventually you need to get into action.

Because if you look at the big picture, you’ll see it’s not about whether you’re a person who lives here or there, or does this or that, or wants widgets or wodgets.

It’s not about the specific life change you make. It could be as dramatic as running off to a Buddhist monastery or as benign as planting a garden.

What matters is that you’re a person that evolves, or takes risks, or won’t settle, or whatever else resonates with you. And your next step helps you learn, gain momentum, remain limber, and walk the walk.

It all comes down to who you are, and your transitory choices are mere reflections of that identity.

When thinking about your business, remember that it’s not about the specific step or even the specific business.

It’s about you being an entrepreneur. And the next step helps you acquire skills, and understand both your customers and your own preferences more fully. It helps you walk the walk.

So when you’re not sure what to do, think less about your choices, and more about what making a choice says about you.

Live in integrity with how you want to be in the world, and you’ll probably end up surpassing your original destination.    

And your curiosity – because it’s almost always instantly available, because it’s lighthearted, and because it’s a reflection of who you are - is the best place to start.

Here’s to walking the walk,

Jenna

P.S. Extra credit: Watch Ruth Chang’s TED talk, and ask yourself if there really are right decisions.

P.P.S. I'd love to know what YOU are feeling curious about! Are there times when you've waited too long to take action? Let's talk about it in the comments.

What to do when you have absolutely no idea what to do

Right now you’re here in life, and what you really want is to be there.

So you plug your destination into GoogleGoals and it spits out a plan. If you speed a little, you can even arrive before scheduled. Simple, right?

If only! 

In reality, we often only have vague outlines of how we’d like our life to be, and absolutely no idea how to get there.

The problem when people tell you to get started now

The problem with reading posts like Why You Need Clarity Now is that they can make you feel worse about yourself.

They tell you why you need to Seize the Day! and Get into Action! … but how are you supposed to do that if you can’t figure out what direction to take?

If you knew what to do, you’d be doing it.

Can you tell me what I’m supposed to do?

I’ve written before about the West Village fortune teller who broke my heart when she wouldn’t tell me what I should be doing with my life. (It was one of those end-of-the-rope moments. Don’t judge.)

She said that I, unfortunately, was the only one that could decide. 

She was right, of course. But it wasn’t what I needed to hear. It left me more confused than before and didn’t move me even one step in the right direction.

Here’s what I wish she had said:

It’s time to follow your curiosity.

This is how it works. 

I call it the Curiosity Concept.

If you’ve done your brainstorming, your journaling, your reflection, your research, and your meditation, and yet you’re still exactly where you started…

It’s time to get moving.

And in the absence of clear direction, the best way to find clarity is to follow your curiosity.

Here’s how the Curiosity Concept works in business: 

If you have no idea what kind of business you should launch, but you’ve been feeling curious about whether there would be demand for that thing that comes so easily to you…

If you’re struggling to decide which social media platform to focus on, but there’s one that seems more interesting…

If you’re undecided about which provider to use, but you’re intrigued by a package offered by one of them…

…then follow your curiosity.

Ask yourself, “What would I be interested in learning about, writing about, and speaking about for the next six months or a year? What would I be curious to work on or with?”

Here’s how it works for life in general:

If you don’t know what to do with your life, but you’re feeling curious about a course at the local college…

If you know something needs to change in your life (but don’t know what), and you’re feeling curious about Toastmasters…

If you want to meet the partner of your dreams, and you’re feeling curious about rock climbing…

…it just might be the stepping stone you need. 

Ask yourself, “What would I like to spend time doing? What’s something that has always seemed interesting, and keeps turning up in one way or another? What’s something I’d like to know more about, talk more about, and experience more?”

That’s way too easy!

Sound too good to be true? It’s not. Next week I’ll show you why this works.

You don’t have to quit your job, invest in an MBA, then move across the ocean in order to make your dreams happen. You just need to take one tiny step forward.

Don’t do what I did. Don't waste over a decade waiting to “know.”

During that time, I talked myself out of literally hundreds of business opportunities. (And tens of potential life partners, too.)

In the end, it took a combination of thinking AND moving for things to begin to gel.  

Here’s to the power of your curiosity,

Jenna

P.S. If you'd like to speak to someone personally about your specific fork-in-the-road, let’s hop on a call and see if it makes sense for us to work together.

7 ways to respond if someone asks about your ‘real job’

They probably say it with the best intentions.

After all, they’re only looking out for you…. Or maybe they’re honestly baffled. How can it be work if you don’t have a boss?

Then again, maybe they’re trying to justify their own life choices.

Either way, it can sting when someone asks if you plan on getting a real job (or going back to work, or…).

Sometimes it comes right after you’ve expressed some sort of frustration with your business, or when you’re grappling with early-stage growing pains, or when you’re first confiding the vision you have for the future … i.e. exactly when you’re feeling most vulnerable!

How do you respond? With anger, sympathy, humor, logic? Do you trade rudeness for rudeness, flip the script, or instead try to start a conversation that might benefit both of you?

One thing’s for certain: We do NOT want you caught off guard, stuttering your way through a response! The fact is that each time we help someone open their mind to non-traditional modes of work, the better it is for all of us.

That’s why we asked current stay-at-home entrepreneurs to share their best responses. 

Choose a couple, practice in front of the mirror, and get ready to Jedi mind-trick the next person that opens up this conversation….

Flip the script

“I ask them in the nicest possible way when they are going to get a real job. One that works to their talents, that they love, that they want to get up in the morning for.” -- Rachel Percy, researcher, blogger and coach at www.wellbeingatworkdr.com

"Good news! I’ve found an employer that truly has my career and well-being in mind. One who won’t lay me off due to investor focus on short-term results. Management that sees all of what I can bring to the table making me more passionate as an employee. The work conditions and the potential for career satisfaction and growth is immense. With the movement towards a gig economy where big companies are choosing to contract employees rather than taking on the cost of idle or down time, my employer is a more conscious business. The gig economy is a bell weather for a bigger trend coming in the workforce. Working for yourself has all these benefits, job security etc., as long as the person’s business savvy is as good as their craft, discipline or trade.”

“Tomorrow’s jobs will look more like mine than like yours, my friend.”

Short and sweet

“I have one, thanks!” -- Ionela Spinu, lifestyle coach at www.getlifestylegems.com

“Everyone’s going to have an opinion [but] they don’t necessarily deserve a response beyond, “I love what I do, and believe me, it’s more than enough work to keep me busy.” -- Maya Hampton, joy expert at www.SayYes2Joy.com  

“Getting paid makes this a real job.” -- Jessica Scotten, founder of Pineapple Relations, www.pineapplerelations.com 

“Thanks for your concern, but I’m doing fine.”

Point out the facts

“My dad expressed concern once that working for myself wasn’t as stable as my previous corporate jobs. I just let him know that three of those previous companies had since downsized and eliminated my former positions, so I felt that working on my own these days is actually more stable because I know for sure I won’t downsize myself.” -- Nicole Croizier, marketing coach for passionate solopreneurs,www.lovewhatyoudoagain.com

“I would ask him what benefits he gets from what he calls a ‘real job.’ Working from home has a bunch of benefits beyond what he might answer.” Ahmed Elsayed, virtual assistant, http://www.egyva.com

“An employer keeps too much of the profits that I generate. I’d rather have them in my pocket.”

Get passionate

“Tell them to eff off.” 

“I’m not a compliant robot.”

“I’d rather starve to death.”

“Take the real job and shove it.”

Curiosity

“I guess I’d ask them, ‘What do you mean by a real job? Seriously, I’m curious to know exactly what you mean by that….’ engaging with them with curiosity rather than defensively … might be an interesting conversation! In my experience different people mean different things by ‘real job’ and for most of us who say that, or indeed have lived it, how we define it depends greatly on what was considered acceptable in our family/social circle.” -Denise Barnett, somatic therapist, Soul Motion® teacher and business consultant at www.denisebarnettsomatics.com  

Promote yourself

“Smile and be a shameless self-promoter. Be proud of what you do.” -- Allie Kloster, social media strategist at www.alliekloster.com

“Usually I give a version of my ‘elevator’ pitch. Then add, ‘Believe me, it’s real work…. If I ever feel like I need to make a change, I will.’ Then I walk away kind of abruptly if I can. I want them to know that they were rude.” -- Kathleen Green, author and speaker, www.shepersistedblog.wordpress.com   

“I tell them to get a peek at my bank account.”

Humor

“Someone’s gotta wear these pajamas.” -- Kylie Ansett, author whisperer at www.authorwhisperer.com.au

“I don’t have the stomach for that kind of uncertainty!” 

“But how will I get Tuesday afternoon facials if I’m stuck in an office?”

Now take a look within.

In all seriousness, if you feel hurt by this kind of question it’s worth digging into a bit.

Things that touch a nerve often reflect your own beliefs. Do you believe that your current project is realistic? Do you believe that being your own boss is sustainable?

If not, be prepared for more and more of these subtle attacks, because others always mirror our deepest fears and beliefs (which helps us expose them, so thank you).

Think about this: If somebody told you your hair was blond, and you knew it was black, you probably wouldn’t feel wounded by their statement. You’d assume that they didn’t speak the language, or had an eye problem, or were making a joke. Whatever. 

And then you’d carry on with your day and forget about it.

Getting to the root of this is some of the most important inner-game work you’ll ever do.

It will greatly influence your likelihood of success. It effects how you feel and the energy you bring to your project. It affects whether people will want to work with you or invest in you. And these all directly affect your bottom line.

At the end of the day, nobody’s opinion really matters but yours:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena….” –Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Here’s to staying in the arena,

Jenna

P.S. Ready to see the difference this kind of inner-game work can make for you? Let’s hop on a call and see if it makes sense for us to work together.

3 sweet steps to unlearn fear and gain back your confidence

Have you ever felt like if you just had the confidence to be who you really are (or trust your gut, or believe in yourself) you’d be able to do that thing you’ve been dreaming about?

Let’s talk about that confidence thing.

Last week I explained that the tricky part isn’t gaining confidence. It’s unlearning fear. And I promised to tell you just how to do it.

Most fear is learned …

Scientists aren’t in complete agreement over the biological underpinnings of fear. But the current bulk of research points to this:

1) We are born with very few innate fears, such as the fear of falling, fear of loud noises, and fear of being left alone / starving.

2) We are also predisposed to other fears, which are a factor of our environment. If our parents are afraid of spiders or we have no access to the ocean, we’re more likely to grow up with a fear of spiders or the ocean. If not, then those fears don’t develop.*

3) But the vast majority of our fears accumulate over time. They are learned orassociative fears. Did you stand up to your older brother, only to find yourself knocked to the ground? Then maybe you felt more fearful about standing up to a grade school bully, and later to your boss (especially if the “lesson” was repeated several times).

We are ALL taught fear.

Bad things lurk around every corner when we’re growing up!

• A car will hit us if we don’t look both ways, then look again.

• We’ll get ridiculed by the teacher if we give the wrong answer.

• Our friends will jeer at us if we stand out from the crowd.

• And never, ever talk to strangers.

Consequently, most of us carry some degree of fear of upsetting others, of not being loved or not fitting in, of failing, of never measuring up.

We fear the terrible consequences dreamed up by our imagination.

The point is, a lack of confidence is NOT what causes your struggles.

Dawn Barclay, whose life’s work is helping people unlearn fear, says,

“A lack of confidence is not the cause, it’s the effect.”

… so luckily we can unlearn it

The great news is that if fears are learned, you can unlearn them.

Here’s what you need to understand: Your brain is extremely sensitive to similarity.

If it perceives that a situation is similar to something that happened in the past, the amygdala, a tiny little almond-shaped section of the brain, will orchestrate the release of specific neurotransmitters triggering a very precise emotion.

This can happen completely unconsciously; you won’t even realize WHY your palms are sweaty or you’re suddenly feeling sick to your stomach.

Luckily, we have another part of the brain called the neocortex, which processes logic. It’s only a few cells thick, but it’s a powerhouse that covers the entire brain.

Thanks to the neocortex, we can stop and employ logic when we feel those familiar negative emotions spring up. No matter your fears, you have a choice when it comes to how you react to each new situation. 

As Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” 

The key takeaway here is that emotions are reflexive but behaviors are a choice.

To unlearn fear, follow these steps:

To unlearn fear, you need to pay close attention to your thoughts and feelings. (Just give it a go. It gets MUCH easier the more you do it.)

When you feel the familiar discomfort of fear, remember The Three Rs:

Recognize --> Reframe --> Reprogram

1) Recognize what’s going on.

Take a hard look at how fears are getting in your way, in order to aid your determination to shed them.

Interview yourself about the stories and baggage in your head. Where did they come from? When do you first remember feeling that way?

Recognize that those are beliefs but not necessarily truths. Sometimes the way we remember something isn’t even how things really went down!

You are what you believe. Only you can reprogram your beliefs, and it takes a firm, daily commitment. The thoughts you repeat in your head are your own responsibility. (That doesn’t mean you should judge a thought when it arises. Just acknowledge it and move on to the next step.)

2) Reframe your thoughts

Take this familiar fear, for example: “If I fail, I’ll never be able to live it down.” Find a different perspective that is kinder and likely more accurate: “I probably won’t fail, but if I do, it won’t be the end of the world.”

Remember that you were naturally confident in the past, and bring to mind areas in your life where you still feel confident.

Replace negative self-talk with compassionate self-talk or humorous back-talk. When your inner monologue says, “You’re such a loser,” immediately respond with “I’m amazing,” or even “You’re obviously wearing blinders! I’ve got winner written all over me!”

3) Reprogram your emotional response

Now don’t just say it … take a second and FEEL it. Imagine the feeling of being amazing, of being a winner. The human brain has an uncanny capacity for empathy. Just imagining being a winner can trigger the same neurotransmitters that would be released if you had actually won something.

Practice. The more positive associations you can make with the situations that used to trigger fear, the more you will override the release of fear-inducing neurotransmitters. Prove to yourself that you won’t let fear stop you, and that the world doesn’t end when you forge ahead.

Each time you take one little baby step past an old fear, reward yourself heartily and flood that brain with feel-good juice! 

The long game

This is how, over time, you’ll unlearn your original fear and relearn a different, more positive response to similar stimuli. 

(Can you imagine yourself about to enter a room full of strangers and feeling excited rather than nervous and grumpy?**)

Happily, once you disprove a previously held belief, it’s hard to ever adopt that old belief again. ​​

So next time you’re about to do something that feels a little scary, think of it this way:

Maybe the only thing you stand to lose is fear! Which leaves the door to your future wide open with possibility….

Here’s to releasing your fears,

Jenna

P.S. Please do me the favor of sharing this article with your friends, because everyone who wants to live an uncommon life could benefit from less fear.​ Thanks!

*Some scientists believe these are actually innate fears, but do not form until later in life when the brain has matured more fully.

**I’m not there yet, either. But I’ve gotten to the point where I can at least feel neutral rather than miserable :-)

Stop trying to gain confidence (do this instead)

Do you wish you could gain more confidence?

If we did, then we could be more like them. You know … those people who are perfectly comfortable in their own skin.

They don’t care what people think of them. They have no shame talking about what they want to achieve, and they speak easily and naturally whether they’re on stage or live video or one-to-one.

It’s like … Are they drinking special water? And can I buy it at Whole Foods?

Nope. A little tequila gives a temporary boost, but unfortunately there’s no such thing as a long-term confidence elixir….

“I just don’t feel confident.”

Most people assume they feel insecure because they’re deficient. They weren’t born with the genes, or didn’t have the right upbringing, or haven’t received the affirmation that those others have. And that’s just the way it is.

I disagree.

You can become more confident, because the way you feel now is NOT a fixed state.

(If you aren’t familiar with the difference between a fixed and growth mindset, you can read about it here. It’s critically important, so don’t skip it!)

So yes, while your confidence will grow, it’s probably not in the way you assume.

Confidence isn’t about gaining anything. It’s about losing something!

And that something is FEAR.

My favorite example:

Next week I’ll talk more about the biological and social underpinnings of fear and how to unlearn it. 

But in the meantime, look at it this way:

Does a baby crumble into a pool of tears and misery when everyone around it walks easily on two feet? Does it decide to just stick to what it knows rather than forging ahead?

Think about it.

The baby has virtually no leg strength and even less coordination. If we were in that situation, wouldn’t it seem nearly hopeless?

Would we have the fortitude to keep trying day after day, month after month, slowly building our skills and assuming we’d eventually get there?

Would we keep smiling and laughing, or would we feel ashamed and insecure each time we stumbled (especially in front of our older brother who’s skipping and running as if it ain’t no thing)?

At one point, we did all of that and more (don’t even get me started on the complexities of language acquisition or social behaviors)!

And we did it fearlessly.

That unstoppable sense of adventure and confidence with everything you do … not your present set of responses … is your innate state.

Here’s to that old you (which has already brought you so far),

Jenna

P.S. Did this post help you remember a time when you did something, and looking back now it seems SO BRAVE?! I'd love to hear about it. Let me know in the comments!

The best way to figure out what to do with your life (for abstract thinkers)

Remember last week when I explained why it’s so difficult for abstract thinkers to figure out what to do in life and promised to tell you the best way to find the answer?

Well, here it is. It’s deceptively simple, but this one important perspective shift can change everything.

Go deep, my friend.

Or rather, go abstract…

Stuck in a ‘bottom up’ world?

See, the problem is that we live in a world where we’re taught to make choices based on concrete parameters.

(Do I like this? Does it pay well? Does it fit with my strengths? Does it fit with the image that I have of myself? How will others perceive me? Will I enjoy the lifestyle?)

You’re told to make three interlocking circles of your Interests and Skills and Opportunity and then Find The Sweet Spot Where They Intersect. (Umm … can I have more paper, please?)

This all works relatively well for concrete thinkers, since it parallels the way their brains tend to process information and experience.

But it puts abstract thinkers at a distinct disadvantage. Our brains are longing for big-picture, consequential meaning … and the breadcrumbs of concrete reality feel really incomplete, like they’re leading nowhere.

Should I

…make wine in Napa?

…save starving children in Africa?

…become a professional kite surfer in Spain?

I dunno. I mean, they all have things going for them….

We spin our wheels trying to figure out what to do because we’re searching bottom-up, rather than top-down.  

While I’m a firm believer that ALL of your jobs will ultimately help you, I also know there’s a better way.

Adopt a 'top-down' perspective

When you think top-down, you start with the bigger meaning and later focus on how that might manifest itself concretely.

As they say in the military, you need to "get out of the weeds" in order to see better.

The great news about this approach is that even if you decide to pivot directions or tactics down the road, you’ll still feel fulfilled knowing that you’re consistently working on the thing that brings your life meaning. No more kicking yourself for wasted time.

The other great news is that your enhanced clarity and passion will likely make you much more successful more quickly, and success breeds satisfaction.

So how, exactly, do you figure out this bigger meaning? (A very concrete question, by the way.)

It’s absolutely doable, but of course it takes work. Here are my three favorite prompts to get you started:

How big-picture, abstract thinkers can find their purpose:

1. Ask why.

You can’t get to your deeper purpose - your ‘why’ – without asking a lot of why-type questions.
You can start with a concrete question (find my Top 5 here). Answer it, and then ask yourself to go deeper. Why? Why did you answer that way? What about that is meaningful to you? What does it say about how you want your life and the world around you to be?

Keep asking “Why?” three to five times, distilling your answers each time.

You can do the same thing with more abstract questions, too (I’ve listed my favorites in bullet form in this post on why you need clarity now, not later).

2. Search for historical themes.

Think back over your life, paying attention to the things that you found most moving, both the positive and negative.

Write down what made you most excited, what felt the most fulfilling, what brought you the most peace … but also the things that made you burn, that made you sick to your stomach, that brought you to tears.

This works best if you’ve kept consistent journals, but you can also look back through correspondence with close friends and loved ones. As a last resort, rely on your memory. Work chronologically.

Once you’re done, review your notes looking for recurring patterns, for themes. Write those down on a separate sheet of paper. What do those themes have in common? Use a separate sheet. By whittling this down, you’re actually moving from the concrete into the abstract.

Keep distilling these until you’ve arrived at ten or so primary themes or motivations. Then go through the practice of asking “Why?” described above. Sometimes positive and negative experiences are fundamentally related. They’re just two sides of the same coin.

3. Break out your passport.

The hard truth is that nothing pushes you outside your comfort zone and makes you question your values more than … tragedy.

Since nobody wants to voluntarily undergo tragedy, the next best (and much more pleasurable) thing is travel.

But not just any travel. This has got to be mildly uncomfortable if you want maximum effect. A quick jaunt to a 5-star resort in Bermuda just won’t cut it.

You need to go somewhere for an extended duration (the amount is different for everybody), and you need to feel like a fish out of water.

Major bonus points if you don’t speak the language! Give yourself limited resources so you can’t easily buy yourself out of discomfort. Ideally, you’ll do things like get on the wrong bus, eat a meal of bread and fruit because you’re too overwhelmed / disgusted to try anything else, and finally stand up to that flying spider-thingy on the wall.

Along the way, as you make some of the best friends of your life and can reflect on these things in good company, ask yourself why. What is it about X that you find so achingly beautiful? Why did you get so upset over Y? Why do you keep thinking about how you could change Z? Once you have the answers, ask why all over again.

An example: 

Last week I used the hypothetical case of a travel-lover to show how someone could get led astray if they merely focused on the concrete. Just because you love travel doesn’t mean that you’ll be excited to be a travel agent, or feel uplifted as a travel blogger, or won’t be tearing your hair out as a flight attendant. 

But if you keep asking yourself why you love travel, and figure out that it’s because you’re mesmerized by how people choose to adorn themselves and their surroundings, and that more than anything you want to awaken that appreciation of beauty in everyone you can – especially those living in a relatively gray, industrial world … well now you’re on to something!

That realization will lead you in a totally new direction. Instead of a travel agent, maybe you’ll become an entrepreneur that organizes tours specifically focused on beauty and artistry. Maybe you’ll launch an inner-city street art project. Or you’ll become an artist.

The principal difference is this: Rather than bouncing around in jobs that might eventually feel fulfilling, you’ve got purpose from Day 1. You’ll know that you are devoting yourself to something that is quintessentially ‘you,’ yet something bigger than one person.

And that, my abstract-thinking friend, really means something.

Here’s to the power of abstraction,

Jenna

4 reasons it’s so tough to find your calling if you’re an abstract thinker

I can remember it clear as day: A sunny, warm afternoon in NYC, flowers in bloom…

…and me stuffed in a dark subterranean basement in the Village begging a $10 palm reader to tell me what I was meant to do with my life.

I was that desperate!

I even felt my eyes prick with tears when she said she couldn’t tell me.

By my late twenties I felt like everyone else had it all figured out, while I was more confused than ever and becoming increasingly self-flagellating about the whole thing.  

I liked lots of things, but nothing was “it.”

(Or if it was it, it was only it for a few months or maybe a year until I either grew bored or got distracted by a different it.)

Luckily, I've learned a thing or two since then.

Why it’s different for abstract thinkers

Last week I talked a bit about what an abstract thinker is, how abstract thinking is different than concrete thinking, and that while we all use both types of thought we tend to gravitate to one dominant style.

It may seem obvious now that abstract thinkers would have it tougher than concrete thinkers when it comes to choosing one specific course of action. But let’s take a moment to highlight four of the top reasons:

4 things that make it difficult for abstract thinkers to choose

1. FOMO – Abstract thinkers live in the realm of possibility, so they’re super susceptible to FOMO (fear of missing out). If you can imagine the grass being greener, then it’s entirely possible that it truly is greener. It’s also possible that your skills might be better suited elsewhere, that you could make a bigger contribution, be more appreciated, or have a better quality of life. The list goes on and on…

2. Curiosity – Similar to #1, abstract thinkers are highly curious because they gravitate to patterns and associations (as well as what doesn’t fit within a pattern). One seemingly benign new piece of information can have their mind making connections with something completely different that they learned long ago, or a new hypothesis that just occurred to them … and of course then they’ve got to find out more. Their curiosity inevitably leads them to discover potential careers that their more concrete-thinking colleagues might never consider.

3. Is it enough? – Abstract thinkers spend a lot of time thinking about meaning and the bigger picture, which leads them to second-guess their jobs. It might not be “enough” to be good at something or enjoy something, unlike many concrete thinkers that are focused on the here and now. Abstract thinkers have to talk themselves into believing that their chosen vocation has meaning.

4. Details seem incomplete – Since abstract thinkers naturally gravitate to the big picture, anything too detailed or concrete seems incongruous to their nature. It’s as if something is missing. For instance, they may love to travel and people might suggest that they become a travel agent or flight attendant or travel blogger. But somehow, none of those feels right. Each is only one tiny facet of the greater travel experience.

So if you’re a big-picture, abstract thinker who has struggled with narrowing down your vocational interests … don’t do what I did. Don’t take it out on yourself.

Recognize that your situation is an understandable consequence of the way your brain works, period. That doesn’t mean your situation is hopeless. It doesn’t mean you’re doomed to be a drifter, squandering your education and potential. It simply means that you have to go about your search in a different way.

And that’s what we’ll talk about next week.

Here’s to recognizing the advantages of your uncommon way of thinking,

Jenna